Bellevue women adopt from China, raise daughters in tandem, become family

BELLEVUE — In February 2002, Kelye Kneeland and Jenet Carter had met just once before. But the moment Carter opened a hotel room door in Guangzhou, China, and saw Kneeland, she cried.

The two women were there for the same reason — to adopt a Chinese baby. Introduced by a mutual acquaintance, Kneeland and Carter had talked regularly from their homes in Bellevue and Fairbanks, Alaska, respectively, about adopting as a single parent. It seemed almost cosmic when they were assigned babies from the same orphanage.

After a four-hour bus ride southwest to the orphanage in Yangchun, Kneeland and Carter witnessed each other holding a daughter for the first time, and a family was forged.

"Family can be defined in so many ways," Kneeland said. "I feel like I've broken all the rules."

Carter took her daughter Madeline home to Fairbanks, but soon after she moved to Bellevue, where her two brothers also live. Since then, Madeline and Kneeland's daughter, Grace Richards, have grown up together. Now 8, they are best friends and "sisters."

The potent combination of foreign adoption and single parenthood has anchored the two families over the past decade. Even after Kneeland remarried two years ago, that connection remained strong, with phone calls and regular play dates.

"There's a spoken and unspoken reciprocation," Carter said of her friendship with Kneeland. "If she lost her job, she'd move in here. We're family."

Madeline's and Grace's birthdays are four days apart. Madeline is older and has always been taller, though Grace is catching up. Together, they giggle, whisper and come up with schemes, often instigated by Madeline. When "getting funky," their phrase for dress-up, Grace sometimes ends up in the role of husband, clad in a rainbow clown wig and hat.

The rambunctious girls, who attend different elementary schools, also like to ride bikes, twirl on a Sit N Spin and they recently froze mid-living-room duel after one of the girls hit a lamp with a candlestick. Carter scolded them to be careful. They prefer Carter's house, where they don't have to play with Grace's older brother, Justice.

The second-graders have taken Chinese language and dance classes, an effort by their mothers to introduce them to their native culture. Their moms have indulged the connection in other ways and dressed them alike for annual photo shoots. But when asked why they call each other sister, Grace has an answer.

"We already knew each other before," she said. "We played with each other's toes."

When Kneeland and Carter adopted, China was one of the few countries that permitted single parents to do so.

Kneeland, 45, had her son Justice by that time, but after she and her first husband divorced, she still wanted a bigger family. She was interested in adoption from a young age and also felt China's one-child policy unfairly affected girls in a culture that values sons.

Carter, who has three adopted nieces and nephews, was 38 when she decided she wanted a baby. She debated options, including adoption in the U.S., but was afraid that as an older, single woman, she would never get a child. But she felt sure she would if she adopted from China, said Carter, 52.

Once the women were introduced, they talked regularly about the extended application process and Kneeland's struggles as a single mother. They also figured out that their adoption agency sent their paperwork to China on the same day, and they hoped they would get babies from the same orphanage.

The process took almost two years. Once they arrived in China, the last hours beforehand were intense.

"It was like we were in labor together in the final moments," Kneeland said.

They call that day their daughters' "rebirth." The girls, nearly a year old at the time, showed up wearing too-small clothes. Madeline had a cold. They were small for their age and developmentally behind. But with attention, including physical therapy, they had caught up to their age group by age 2, their mothers say.

Carter and Kneeland consider themselves almost surrogate parents to each other's children. Kneeland said if there's anyone who can tell Grace what to do, it's Carter. They take turns watching the girls to give each other time to run errands and clean the house. Carter called Kneeland when Madeline lost her first tooth. They've made teary phone calls to each other on bad days.

The older the girls get, the harder the questions can be. Kneeland and Carter navigate together, discussing how to deal with questions about adoption, birthparents and life before Mom.

The mothers also rely on other support networks, including an online group for Chinese adoptive parents, where they trade photos and stories. They have gone to orphanage reunions and met with families who adopted from the same orphanage.

The girls have plenty of other friends, but their moms feel Grace and Madeline have a special friendship.

"I hope they'll be each other's bridesmaids," Kneeland says.

"That's so far off," Carter says. "I can't even go there."

Nicole Tsong: 206-464-2150 or ntsong@seattletimes.com