The road to citizenship and other detours

The U.S. government is revising the list of questions on a test administered to prospective citizens. A couple we'd like to see become mandatory:

The left lane on any freeway is for:

A) Quiet moments of personal reflection.

B) Knitting.

C) Online chat sessions.

D) Getting the hell out of it if you're not passing.

"Bicameral legislature" refers to:

A) A legislature with two camerals.

B) Legislative bodies that cancel one another out, rendering each useless.

C) Groups of representatives elected by the public exclusively for the amusement of the executive branch.

D) All of the above.

More questionable thoughts:

In, Out, Repeat: The Snohomish County Public Utility District is studying seven Puget Sound sites for possible tidal-energy production. Customers can expect rate increases — but only during billing periods when the tide goes in and/or out.

Just Trying To Be Helpful Here: University of Washington scientists say one of their prized possessions, a pickled female albino ratfish that has a long, venomous spine, is the only one of its kind they've ever seen. It's high time someone introduced these boys to Courtney Love.

Pastime Past Prime: An unknown broadcaster on ESPN sports finished off updates on National League pennant races by gushing: "That's one of the things that make baseball great!" Not to be coy, but can someone refresh us on what the other ones are?

Smooth Move, Ex-Coach: U.S. women's World Cup soccer coach Greg Ryan benched his starting goalkeeper, former U-Dub star Hope Solo, in favor of aging vet Briana Scurry for the team's semifinal match against archrival Brazil. Result: Brazil 4, USA 0. Ryan was immediately offered a contract as bullpen coach for the Seattle Mariners.

Speaking Of Questionable Calls: Fanning suspicions that he never saw his own team play after the All-Star break, Mariners owner Howard "You Can't Fall Off the Floor" Lincoln enthusiastically announced the 2008 return of general manager Bill Bavasi and manager John McLaren, the brain trust that engineered one of the more epic late-season collapses in baseball history.

Meanwhile, Over At Montlake: After careful consideration of all options, a yellow-ribbon panel charged with renovating or replacing aging Husky Stadium decided to throw all its eggs in one basket: Pitching it as a candidate for Extreme Makeover, Misplaced Priorities Edition.

Kids In Superhero Garb, Proceed To Next Item: Shocking holiday news development from Sequim, where a headline in the local paper proclaims: "Pumpkin patch gears up for Halloween season, possibly the last."

Brain Power: Two Seattle scientists have been awarded $500,000 MacArthur "genius awards." Among the runners-up: The guy who designed the Never Upright (patent pending) 2-liter plastic soda bottle.

Who Said He Had A Heart Of Dust? Oklahoma City Sonics owner Clay Bennett announced that renewing season-ticket holders won't be charged a price increase to watch the lame-duck team at KeyArena. It's a kind gesture to the team's loyal fans, and all 12 of them are said to be giving it serious consideration.

And Finally: In a bow to their huge new corporate customer, the Seattle Seahawks, Seattle's Jones Soda is offering soft drinks flavored like dirt and perspiration. Another possible flavor, jockstrap, was abandoned: Dr Pepper already owns that market.

A section and Thursday's Northwest Weekend section. Email: rjudd@seattletimes.com