Many get away from abusive partners, say experts

All the things Rebecca Griego did to keep Jonathan Rowan away from her were not enough to keep her safe.

Rowan walked into her office at the University of Washington on Monday and killed her before turning the gun on himself.

However, domestic-violence experts say the majority of domestic-abuse cases end with the abused person getting safely out of the relationship.

This kind of tragedy can be terrifying to women who are living with an abuser or are leaving one, says Lois Loontjens, executive director of New Beginnings, a shelter for victims of domestic violence.

Warning signs

Experts say these behaviors by a partner could be signs of a potentially abusive situation:

Checking up on you too much, listening to your phone calls, calling you at work throughout the day, checking mileage on your car.

Putting you down, humiliating you in private or in public.

Trying to control what you do, keeping you from going to school or work.

Acting jealous and possessive

Destroying or threatening to destroy your possessions.

Threatening to hurt you, your family, friends or pets.

Blaming you for everything; getting angry in a way that scares you.

Touching you in a way that hurts you.

"But it's important to remember that many, many women are successful in leaving abuse behind," Loontjens said.

She couldn't say whether Griego ever contacted her shelter for help, but reaching out for help is crucial in a situation like this.

"Many do what Rebecca did and manage to escape. She did so much and still ended up murdered," Loontjens said.

Merril Cousins, who heads the King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence, says only a minority of cases are as tragic as Griego's situation.

"I think the good news is for every case like this, there are dozens of survivors who do manage to escape and stay safe."

One example is a New Beginnings client we'll call "Maria," who was stalked by her partner, according to a New Beginnings newsletter.

"He had access to all of my personal information because we were together for so long," she said. "Once I moved out, he was still able to find me and find information about me I thought was private."

Maria said he followed her and called her repeatedly.

However, she did not file a criminal complaint or seek a protection order because of concerns about immigration and her ability to stay in the country.

Staying safe

Some steps to take if you are in an abusive relationship:

Arrange to have a safe place to go.

Pack a bag with clothing and medications in case you have to leave quickly.

Make copies of important papers and give them to trusted friends.

Make an extra set of car keys and hide them.

Change your phone number and the locks on your house.

Source: City of Seattle office of domestic violence and sexual-assault prevention

Eventually, she said, the stalking ended when he found a new girlfriend. She moved and has not been harassed for more than a year.

Women often must move and create new identities to get away from their abusers. Griego moved to get away from Rowan.

Among the programs that help shield woman in abusive relationships is the state-operated Address Confidentiality Program in which domestic-violence victims move but keep their home, work and school addresses confidential.

Washington's program, the first in the nation when it began in 1991, provides post-office boxes for victims to make it difficult for their abusers to track them. It has 3,000 participants.

"Why we exist is for someone who has relocated away from the abuser and is trying to re-establish herself in the community," said Missy Deinlein, program director.

The mail is sent to a post-office box in Olympia and Deinlein's office forwards it to the victim. There is no cost.

Cousins, with the King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence, says one of the biggest barriers for victims breaking free of their abusers is the economic one.

"To think of leaving your job — you'd have to support yourself," she said. "I've worked with people who have moved across the country and severed all contact with friends and family members and got new Social Security numbers and whole new identities. It means giving up a lot."

Susan Gilmore: 206-464-2054 or sgilmore@seattletimes.com

For help escaping an abusive situation call the state domestic-violence hotline at 1-800-562-6025.