Finding schools that strive to be inclusive

"Ours is a two-mom household."

"To our children, we are Mommy and Mom."

These conversations between parents and educators are becoming increasingly common as the children of gay and lesbian parents show up in larger numbers in the school system.

The anxiety parents may feel as they send their children off this time of year is compounded for many lesbians and gays. They know that the challenges they face in broader society could be visited upon their children in one form or another on the playgrounds, in hallways and in the classroom.

Many say they leave nothing to chance. From selecting a "safe" school to ensuring language used by teachers, nurses, counselors and principals is inclusive, of they say they want to ease the way so their children are not ostracized.

"Tough things happen to all kids," said Carol Achtmeyer, whose 4-year-old daughter will enter kindergarten next fall. "The ideal setting is a surrounding that supports them completely."

The idea, say gays and educators, is not to impose any particular value on other parents or even teachers who might personally reject homosexuality, but to make sure all children are made to feel accepted.

Achtmeyer, a nurse and public-health researcher, said when she toured Seattle elementary schools this summer looking for one that would be a fit for her daughter, she listened carefully to how educators talked about their schools.

"If they keep saying, 'mom and dad,' 'mom and dad,' you can conclude that the school is oriented toward moms and dads," and may not be a welcoming place for her daughter, she said.

A poster on the wall at one school said "all families are welcome," and not far away was a door with a rainbow on it. "You got the feeling diversity was important," Achtmeyer said.

Cheryl Haskins, co-chairwoman of Allies for Marriage and Children, which supports traditional marriage, said it makes sense that school districts would treat children of households headed by a gay or a lesbian parent the same as children from other family structures.

But the former teacher at Rainier Beach High School draws the line at the issue of same-sex married families, noting that Washington state does not allow such unions.

Schools' obligation

Public schools are legally required to educate all children, whether they are from foster or adopted families, blended or single-parent households. Private schools don't have the same obligation.

No one collects data on the number of children from gay and lesbian, bisexual or transgender households enrolled in public or private schools, but anecdotal evidence suggests their numbers are growing.

Nationally, it is estimated that between 6 million and 12 million children are being raised in gay and lesbian households. The 2000 Census found that 19 percent of the 1,423 Washington households headed by gay men and 23 percent of the 1,881 run by lesbians included children under 18.

Beth Reis, co-chairwoman of the Safe Schools Coalition, said educators are reporting "more and more children of same-gender parents in their classrooms. One can argue they were always there, teachers just didn't know it."

How comfortable these kids are made to feel in their classrooms and on the playground varies from district to district and from school to school.

Nine out of every 10 Washington districts responding to a 2003 survey were in compliance with the state's anti-bullying act, which requires them to ban bullying based on eight forms of bias, including sexual orientation.

"Parents can assume a building is unsafe if there are no nondiscrimination or anti-bullying policies in place, or if those policies don't acknowledge sexual orientation or gender expression," said Reis, whose group co-sponsored the survey.

"Once you get that basic framework in place, then the question is how is that policy lived."

Many districts, for example, offer training to help teachers, counselors and principals to help them understand ways to make all children feel included.

"I tell teachers that it's not about being super politically correct," said Lisa Love, health-education specialist for the Seattle School District who helps provide that training to schools that ask for it.

"It's about being open to the idea that families can look different from what they might imagine. Whether it's mom and momma, who cares?"

Academics important

Mary-Pat Soukup, who with her partner, Terri Stone, is raising an adopted African-American child, said they toured six Seattle schools before deciding which would be best for their child. In the end, Soukup said it wasn't so much about diversity and tolerance, which was prevalent at all the schools they visited, but which school was best academically.

"Salmon Bay is an alternative school that draws from the most liberal groups, and there's a better chance of the other families being onboard with different kinds of families," Soukup said.

Their daughter, Alea, had been attending the private preschool Soukup operates, and in some ways her parents felt they needed to prepare her for some of the awkward questions classmates in the public school might ask: "You have two moms? You can't have two moms," and, "Why are your moms white?"

Jim Rose said he and his partner, Eric Gutierrez, feel they won't need to prepare their 4-year-old adopted son, Isaac, for similar questions just yet.

Last year they enrolled him at Giddens school, an independent elementary school in the Central Area. "There are so many different family structures there — single parents, two moms, two dads," Rose said. "Our son never has to feel like he's the odd man out."

Rose said for now the diversity at Giddens relieves them from having to tell their son about society's sometimes negative perception of families like theirs.

"Our son understands that some kids have a mom and dad and some have one parent," Rose said. "He doesn't understand the social ramification of it in some circles. We want to keep him as untainted as long as we can."

Family lens

Children, especially those in early elementary school, see themselves through the lens of their families: For many, family is everything.

Many gay and lesbian parents, particularly of younger children, say they find it helpful to introduce themselves and describe their families to teachers and principals before the start of school.

"It's a two-second, 'Hi, how are you,' " said Rachel Smith-Mosel, a lesbian who has three children in Federal Way schools and is a teacher. She said she takes her kids with her on these visits and sometimes provides teachers with information about resources they might find helpful.

Posters in the hallways and the books stocked in the library can help parents feel comfortable.

Smith-Mosel said teachers also need to address the use by kids of the word "gay" to describe something negative — such as "this math problem is so gay" — that has become a part of student vernacular. It can be offensive to students who themselves are gay or those whose parents are gay or lesbian.

In middle school, Sophie Nelson said she would hear kids use the term but would say nothing. Now the 15-year-old sophomore at Garfield High School said she speaks up: "You know that's offensive and impacts my own family."

Parents say it's important, too, to discuss with teachers about how families are portrayed in the classroom and in class assignments.

Reis of the Safe Schools Coalition, which hears and helps resolves harassment complaints, related an incident in which children in a class were asked to draw their families and then make presentations before the class. One girl in the class, who had two moms, was not allowed to make her presentation.

A phrase such as "don't forget to tell your parents about the field trip" rather than "your mom and dad" can go a long way in making a kid, especially a small child, feel included, parents and teachers say.

"You can't try to squeeze all families into a mommy-and-daddy role," Smith-Mosel said. "It's not the role of a school to teach a child shame."

Seattle Times news researcher Gene Balk contributed to this report.

Lornet Turnbull: 206-464-2420 or lturnbull@seattletimes.com