A victim's regret: "I wanted to be a hero, but I wasn't"

Dan McKown grew up imagining he might one day be a hero.

Like many boys, he read fantasy novels, collected comic books and played with action figures. Only he viewed these interests more as preparation than play.

When he was in junior high, McKown ran around a tough neighborhood of Tacoma with martial-arts nunchucks and a BB gun, pretending he was fighting crime. Once he turned 21, McKown obtained a license to carry a concealed weapon because he believed — and still does — that firearms offer the best protection from violence.

On a Sunday afternoon in November, McKown was confronted with the type of situation he had spent most of his life preparing for. With his ever-present handgun in his waistband, McKown was walking through the Tacoma Mall just as an angry man began spraying customers with gunfire.

McKown pulled his gun. When he didn't immediately see the gunman, he put his gun back in his waistband. Seconds later he spotted the gunman, but it was too late.

"I'd spent my life carrying a gun to protect people and when the situation came, I failed," McKown says. "All I had to do was keep my gun out, but I didn't. I felt humiliated."

Of the seven people wounded by 20-year-old Dominick Maldonado, McKown was the most seriously injured by far. He was shot five times, with one bullet severing his spine. He was initially told he might never walk again.

Since then, intensive physical therapy has restored the use of his right leg, but he says his left leg remains essentially "dead." He uses a wheelchair and wears a colostomy bag. He suspects these are not temporary inconveniences.

The man who aspires to be a stand-up comedian cannot stand. But he tries to put a positive spin on his situation, sprinkling his routine with jokes about the shooting:

"So then I said, 'Young man, I think you need to put down your weapon,' which apparently translates in street lingo to 'Shoot me right now.' "

But there's no mistaking the impact the shooting has had on the 38-year-old's psyche. His decision to put the gun away hurt him as much as the bullets that slammed into his body that Nov. 20 afternoon.

He wrestles with feelings of failure and bouts of depression. He's grappling with the idea that he is now, and may always be, disabled. His faith in a Christian God has remained intact, he said, but his faith in some people has been shaken.

"I feel grateful, but it angers me when people say I will walk again. I'm trying to accept the possibility of not walking. I'm trying to accept that God might want me in this chair," he says.

Reliving the day

McKown, whose given name is Brendan, matter-of-factly recounts the day that changed his life.

He was working at Excalibur Cutlery and Gifts store in the Tacoma Mall where he had been employed for seven years. He was walking to a mall bank branch to make a store deposit when he heard the gunshots.

McKown immediately pulled out his 9-mm handgun and looked around. "Where's the shooter?" he called out to the people around him. "Do you see him?"

The gunshots ceased, and in the silence it occurred to McKown that it might not be safe to have a gun out in the mall. He remembers thinking: Is this legal? Is this safe? The cops could mistake me for the shooter.

He tucked the gun back inside his waistband just before Maldonado walked by.

"He brings his gun up, I draw my gun and I sight him and that's when I got shot. I was too late," McKown said.

McKown lay on the floor waiting for medical help for more than an hour and 20 minutes as police negotiated with Maldonado, who was holed up in a music store.

"I lay there and I was talking to God, apologizing for failing him and kicking myself the whole time," McKown said. "I'd had him in my sights, but when the shooting stopped, I started thinking and I over-thought. I was a half a second too late."

McKown, the last person wounded in Maldonado's shooting spree, was later told by police that his injuries may have stopped Maldonado after all. The gunman fled into a store immediately after shooting McKown.

McKown takes comfort in the fact that "no one else was hurt after me."

McKown says he doesn't know whether the fact he pulled a gun on Maldonado prompted the gunman to fire more rounds in his direction. He suspects that may be the case. Pierce County prosecutors, who have charged Maldonado with 15 felonies, including attempted murder, say McKown's actions were legal.

In the aftermath of the mall shootings, some people berated McKown for failing to shoot at Maldonado, his father, Roger McKown, said. Others thanked him for what he had tried to do.

"I'm proud of him," the senior McKown said.

The shooting didn't alter Dan McKown's conviction that people should be armed for protection. In fact, he believes his reliance on a wheelchair makes him a more inviting target for the bad elements, and a 9-mm handgun remains tucked in his waistband.

Dreams and realities

McKown's life is a combination of the interests and dreams he had before the shooting and the reality of living with his wounds.

He relies on public transportation because he can no longer operate his car's stick shift. He had to move from an upstairs apartment to a two-bedroom on the ground floor, but he still has it decorated as he did before.

There are pictures of beautiful women he's photographed as an amateur, ornate swords and crosses, busts of the "Avenger" comic superheroes and an extensive collection of hand-painted Warhammer battle figures.

Because he didn't have health insurance, McKown has been living off disability payments and donations.

But he's trying to get back on his feet financially. He gave up his job at Excalibur because of his injuries.

"Hopefully, soon, I'll be able to stop taking handouts and just do comedy and public speaking," he said.

The Tacoma-based comedy troupe he founded in 1989, Comedy Kaleidoscope, will have a fundraising performance next month. He's also continuing his work writing comedy sketches and a fantasy series. He's thinking about going back to school to study theology and history.

Unmarried, McKown says he "wasted" more than 10 years hoping to wed a woman who thought of him only as a friend. He vowed when he was 18 to remain celibate until he marries.

That doesn't prevent him from flirting. During a recent visit to a Tacoma restaurant, McKown doesn't hesitate to ask attractive women for hugs, saying, "What does a guy have to do to get attention around here? Get shot?"

Some people recognize him. One woman tells him he's a beautiful person.

"His manners aren't all that polished," his father says. "But he's got a heart of pure gold."

McKown was recently named the American Legion's Bravest Man in America and will accept the award in a private ceremony May 26.

"I grimaced when people called me a hero," he said. "I wanted to be a hero, but I wasn't. But when they called me brave, I was like, OK, I was brave."

McKown says he doesn't often think about Maldonado, who is tentatively scheduled to face trial in February. He is not overly concerned about what happens in the courtroom or how much time Maldonado gets behind bars.

"All I can hope now is that God has some really big plans for that kid. And I hope he has some big plans for me, too. That's all I keep saying, 'God, your will be done.' "

Christine Clarridge: 206-464-8983 or cclarridge@seattletimes.com