Be open to talking about sex

It's 10 a.m. on a Saturday, and I am at the front of a room at the Phinney Ridge Neighborhood Center, explaining oral sex to a woman pretending to be my son.

I stammer and pause, go back over my words and Hate This, while the woman smiles. Your turn next, sister. Talking to our kids about sex is something we over-prepared parents just aren't prepared for. I changed the diapers, packed Gatorade and soothed all sorts of hurts, emotional and physical.

But preparing my 13-year-old son to be a sexual being? Explaining when and why, how and where? Sure, when he's 35.

Enter Amy Lang, a Seattle mother who hosts sex-education workshops called "Birds + Bees + Kids" to parents at PTAs, private homes and community centers.

Lang started our session by asking where we first heard about sex.

In health class. From friends. Older siblings. Dog-eared Judy Blume books like "Forever."

"What's missing?" Lang asked.

Our parents.

We're in danger of following their footsteps. And society isn't helping either, with abstinence-only curriculum, and birth control and abortion rights under constant threat.

Meanwhile, almost half of all high-school students report having had sex, according to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. One of every three girls has had sex by 16; two out of three boys by 18.

"I didn't know how I was going to talk with him about that," Lang said. "And if I couldn't handle it, what about the parents who don't have the depth of knowledge and comfort level that I do?"

She designed workshops for parents of small children, focusing on biology, not sex; and another for those of preteens and teenagers that includes values and relationships. (Her Web site is www.birdsandbeesandkids.com).

"If kids have this ongoing, comfortable conversation about sex in their family, then they have a clear sense of themselves and their family values," Lang said. "That will give them a broader sense of what it means to be sexually active."

Sounds great and gut-wrenching.

Some parents come to Lang's classes "awkward and speechless about the subject," she said, "or are already talking to their kids and want to make sure it's appropriate."

Lang's advice: Look for chances to talk. Make your car a "say anything" zone. Listen. Be nonjudgmental. Ask general questions like, "Do you know anyone who has had sex?" And if they ask you something, start with, "What a wonderful question." It will put your kid at ease, buying you time to think.

When asked why teenage girls have babies, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy said about three of four teens blamed it on a lack of communication between a girl and her parents.

OK. Back to oral sex. When a man turns 30...

Nicole Brodeur's column appears Wednesday and Sunday. Reach her at 206-464-2334 or nbrodeur@seattletimes.com.

She sat in the back of the bus.