Civility guidelines revisit lessons from kindergarten

There was a time, not too long ago, when words were lobbed like bombs around the Mercer Island School District.

Carrie George got hit on March 14, 2002. The school-board president at the time, George was presiding over a meeting when audience members threw some profanities her way, then accused her of forcing a beloved high-school principal out of his job. Hours later, George said, she was asleep at home when an anonymous caller woke her up to abuse her some more.

"Frankly, it was vile," said George. "It's not something I try to dwell on."

Back then, the district was suffering from high administrative turnover, a sharply divided school board and starkly different visions from parents on how to proceed. That mood has mostly passed now, with a new superintendent and a shift in attitude. But the district is laying down rules for the future anyway — just in case.

Think before you speak. Listen until you understand all points of view. Talk honestly and directly.

After months of discussion, those are some of the expectations parents, teachers, students, administrators and school-board members have set for themselves in a series of self-imposed guides to good behavior.

Around the district, they're known as "The Mutual Respect and Shared Responsibilities Commitments."

"You can't assume this is going to fix every problem," said Kate Gunby, a Mercer Island High School student who helped draft the students' commitment. "But I do have hope that someone will look back to it and think about it when they're making a decision about how to act."

In recent years, school districts from Issaquah to Mukilteo have struggled with the concept of civility, writing policies that demand respectful behavior. Mercer Island already had a civility policy, but the new superintendent, Cyndi Simms, sensed it was time to take a fresh approach.

So last spring, she organized a conflict-resolution workshop led by Robert Chadwick, a consultant who has worked with rival gangs in Los Angeles, and has helped loggers and environmentalists get along in Oregon. On Mercer Island, nearly 60 residents attended the workshop.

"It was three days, eight hours a day, of very, very intense work," said Mary Lindquist, president of the Mercer Island teachers union. "It was a chance for the school community to take a deep breath and calm down."

In the months that followed, each of the district's interest groups set to work on their separate commitments. Students vowed not to vandalize or litter. Administrators pledged to reach out more to parents.

For all the variation, the groups had one promise in common: to believe that everyone wants what's best for the kids.

"We are retraining ourselves to be civil," said Pat Braman, the new school board president. "You have to keep at it, keep reminding yourself, because it's pretty easy to slip back into other ways."

District leaders describe Mercer Island as a much more pleasant place these days.

But the district is not without tension. While most teachers characterize parent involvement as a good thing, last year an elementary-school teacher published a tell-all book about his experiences on the island, describing parents as demeaning and downright rude.

This year, in designing their commitments, both the teachers union and the PTA Council put a premium on understanding each other better. Now they are taking practical steps to make that happen.

The teachers union has created a "Talk to Parents" column in its newsletter, offering tips on how to better communicate with parents. One column, for example, advises teachers to contact parents early in the school year with good news, so it might be easier to deliver bad news later.

Teachers also are encouraged to listen to suggestions from parents. After all, the newsletter points out, parents "have known their child longer than you have."

Similarly, the PTA Council now prints "Think First" cartoons in its newsletters. Terri Caditz, president of the council, said even the most well-meaning parents sometimes need tips to get through the anxiety of educating a child.

A recent cartoon reminds parents to "Be Aware of Personal Time and Space." It depicts a mother asking a teacher if he has time to talk about her son. The teacher asks the mother to schedule a time to meet, to which the mother replies, "But it will only take a minute."

In the final frame, a teenager offers a simple message: Be considerate of a teacher's time by scheduling an appointment ahead of time.

This, the boy promises, will ensure a "quality" conversation for everyone.

Cara Solomon: 206-464-2024 or csolomon@seattletimes.com.