Seniors no longer alone for holiday

By Tan Vinh
Seattle Times staff reporter

DEAN RUTZ / THE SEATTLE TIMES Sam Christopher opens the door and pushes daughter Olivia into Alfred Bernstein's Lake City apartment. Christopher was paired with Bernstein via the ElderFriends program, and the two have since become friends.

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Thanksgiving for Alfred Bernstein was a frozen TV dinner, without the television, because he couldn't bear watching the festive scenes — the Macy's parade, the footage of families celebrating or the holiday football games — without crying.

Having outlived all his friends, the 84-year-old bachelor spent most Thanksgiving Days alone in a one-bedroom apartment in North Seattle reading, pacing or staring at the white walls.

Who wants to be reminded that you have no one left to share Thanksgiving with, said Bernstein, who in the past 20 years has lost two brothers and his best friend.

"I stayed home and cried."

The knock on the door that changed everything came three summers ago, when 40-year-old Sam Christopher entered Bernstein's life. He painted Bernstein's white walls yellow, got his bifocals fixed and took him to movies.

ElderFriends ElderFriends is a nonprofit program that pairs volunteers with seniors who are alone. Volunteers meet weekly with their seniors to chat or provide emotional support. ElderFriends will take names of seniors who could benefit from the program. The program also needs volunteers and donations. For more information, call 206-224-3793 or visit www.elderfriends.org

But the moment that defined their friendship, the gesture that meant more to Bernstein than all their dinners and drives together, was when Christopher asked: "Al, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

"I was delighted," said Bernstein, who will spend his third Thanksgiving with Christopher's family and friends tomorrow. "It made me feel like part of the family. That means a lot. I have been smiling ever since."

They are generations apart and as different in many other ways: Bernstein listens to Frank Sinatra, Christopher to Radiohead. But their lives intersected through ElderFriends, a Seattle program that pairs volunteers with infirm seniors.

About 800 seniors, most low income from King County, have been matched up through the program since it started in 1996. Some seniors have found surrogate sons and daughters. Volunteers have found elders to fill the loss of grandparents or parents.

That many volunteers are spending Thanksgiving with their senior companions underscores the bond they have developed, said Amy Astle-Raaen, ElderFriends director.

As the senior population grows, so has the concern that many seniors are living in isolation, losing track of friends or whatever connections they had with the younger generation.

The population of seniors is rising every year. More than 696,000 people 65 or older now live in Washington, a record high. By 2013, demographers predict, the number will be more than 900,000, as baby boomers reach retirement age.

ElderFriends was started by gerontologist Kiersten Ware of Seattle, who noticed that many seniors who lost loved ones live in isolation rather than build a new network of friends.

	DEAN RUTZ / THE SEATTLE TIMES Sam Christopher introduces his new daughter, Olivia, to Alfred Bernstein, with whom he was paired by ElderFriends.

Modeling the program after a popular one in Paris called Little Brothers — Friends of the Elderly, she paired volunteers and seniors based on responses to a survey about geographical and gender preference and other factors such as hobbies and smoking.

Volunteers must pass criminal-background checks and provide two character references.

The friends meet weekly, playing gin rummy, watching television or just chatting about life.

"They have a friend, a connection to the community," said Astle-Raaen, who took over the program after Ware moved to Virginia two years ago. "They have somebody visiting them and showing interest in their lives."

The program, now a part of ElderHealth Northwest, a nonprofit adult day health provider, runs on a $60,000 budget, with funding from United Way of King County, the city of Seattle, King County and Jimmy Buffett's Singing for Change Charitable Foundation.

ElderFriends has matched up 150 seniors this year, a record high. But the program has become as much about the volunteers as those they serve. Volunteers are typically in their late 30s and come from a wide spectrum — including Seattle natives, transplants, students and singles. Some look for friendship, advice or to fill a void of their own.

Brian Pankow, 53, of Marysville, a health-and-safety supervisor at the University of Washington, lost his wife to breast cancer seven years ago. He watched her endure chemotherapy, and saw other patients suffer as well. By comparison, "I had it good."

Wanting to give back to the community, he signed up with ElderFriends five years ago.

His first senior pal was Harry Bakker, whom he kept company for four months before the 84-year-old North Seattle resident died. Next came Mary Alice Gerkin, 85, of Everett, whom he read Harry Potter books to before she passed away after six months. He was their last friend.

In 2001, Pankow met World War II veteran Robert Hendrickson, 85, whose wife of 55 years died from ovarian cancer in 1998.

A collage of their life together is pasted on Hendrickson's apartment wall in Ballard. "All My Children" and "General Hospital" fill some of the hours but don't replace the companionship Hendrickson knew with his wife.

"Brian is the best thing that has ever happened to me because all my friends and family are dead," Hendrickson said.

The two are regulars at the Ballard Denny's, and they go to matinees together. "I don't remember the theater being this loud," Hendrickson said.

Every week, Pankow pops his head through the door and says, "How are you doing today?"

"I'm doing good now that you're here."

First date

For Christopher, his first encounter with Bernstein felt like a first date. He was nervous, excited even. Would he like me? Would we connect?

Christopher grew up in Calgary, Alberta, moving to Seattle three years ago after marrying and following his wife, an executive at Starbucks. He is a Mr. Mom, cleaning the house and taking care of their newborn daughter. Giving back to the community has been his mantra, and besides, what better way to learn about his new city — and life — than from a senior, he thought.

He took the elevator to the second floor, mindful of making a good impression. Any jitters melted away when he saw the smile emerging from apartment 202.

Bernstein grew up in New York City, working as a salesman in Saks Fifth Avenue and other retail stores. He retired at 62 and, having never married, he followed three friends to Seattle.

Then cancer took his best friend, and the other two buddies drifted out of his life. His two brothers passed away back East, and his older sister is living in a Boston nursing home, her health fading, he said.

He found comfort in Christopher, who tells him about TiVo and has introduced him to the music of Norah Jones.

They go window shopping at University Village, checking out what's trendy.

They see movies like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" (Bernstein loved it) and they walk and talk politics (he's no fan of President Bush).

Christopher has convinced Bernstein he still "has that sense of wonder in his heart" and he should get out and explore more.

He is sad that many of his TV shows were canceled, but that's just as well because Christopher has him reading biographies, and novels by Sue Grafton and John Grisham. He walks 40 blocks every other day.

And when it comes to garage sales, he can bargain with the best of them. He bought a coffee table for $2 and a fancy leather couch for $70.

He credits Christopher with nudging him forward, beyond his front door and out again into a life he once enjoyed.

Tan Vinh: 206-515-5656 or tvinh@seattletimes.com

Copyright © 2004 The Seattle Times Company

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