Moving pains: Can your relationship go the distance?

Ann Hsu Kaufman was living in Washington, D.C., busily balancing a career as a commercial real estate attorney and a network of dear friends, when her then-boyfriend announced that his employer wished to move him to Malaysia, and that he wished for her to go with him.

Kaufman's initial excitement gave way to dismay when she started looking into work opportunities for foreign attorneys in Malaysia and found none. Malaysia seemed like a "black hole": What would she do all day? Who would her friends be? Would she have a support network?

Reluctant to leave a job and friends she loved, Kaufman resigned herself to a long-distance relationship — but then her boyfriend proposed, and her priorities shifted. It took a year of talking and accepting the ego blow of her career taking a back seat, but in August 2009, three months after they married, Kaufman moved to Kuala Lumpur.

"At the end of the day, even though I really loved my career and my life in Washington, my marriage was more important than any of that," Kaufman, 32, wrote in an email from the other side of the globe.

Moving is frequently cited among life's major stressors, but relocating a relationship compounds the strain — especially when couples are at odds about whether it's such a good idea.

"It's hard for anyone to see how they get a win-win out of this one," said psychologist Peter Pearson, co-founder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, Calif. "With security and ambitions involved, it gives the illusion of a polarized, black-and-white problem in which someone will lose."

But if both partners don't buy into the final decision, there's likely to be trouble.

In a survey of expats, mostly women, who moved abroad for a spouse's job, those who said they felt pressured to move were significantly more depressed and anxious in their new home than those who felt they had equal power in the decision, said Anne Copeland, a clinical psychologist and founder of The Interchange Institute, a Boston-based nonprofit that studies and supports people who move from one country to another.

Having a job in the new location didn't affect a "trailing" spouse's adjustment, but maintaining a sense of career or social identity, such as through volunteer work, did, the survey found.

Whether a couple decides to stay or go, each partner should take steps to make the other comfortable with the decision, Copeland said. That might mean the pro-moving partner helps the reluctant spouse meet new friends and seek out work opportunities in their new city, or that the reluctant partner agrees to shorter-length adventures if the couple stays put.

Taking an exploratory trip to the new location can help quell relocation fears and give a concrete picture of what life could look like, said Robin Pascoe, author of several books about living abroad, including "A Moveable Marriage: Relocating Your Marriage Without Breaking It" (Expatriate Press Limited, $24.95).

Importantly, couples should talk to other couples about the realities of living there, not just regarding housing and schools but also emotional needs, such as whether the working spouse's all-consuming job will leave the trailing spouse "twiddling their thumbs or drinking too much white wine, waiting," Pascoe said.

Kaufman, meanwhile, has adjusted to her job-free life in Kuala Lumpur, where she cheerfully calls herself an "international lady of leisure."

She joined expat organizations, signed up for cooking and photography classes and started a blog, gravytrainblog.com, where she chronicles her adventures in Malaysian cuisine. She also took the opportunity to give birth to a boy.

Though Kaufman is excited to return to the U.S. this summer — her husband's job is now taking him to Charleston, S.C., where Kaufman's parents live — she says living in Malaysia gave her broader perspective on who she is, that she is defined as more than a lawyer.

"I told my husband recently that I now think that home is wherever he and our baby boy are, not the physical location of our residence," she said.

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NEGOTIATING A MOVE

Moving is a high-stakes decision, so it's crucial to negotiate to reach a mutually acceptable resolution, said psychologist Peter Pearson, co-founder of The Couples Institute in California. His tips:

Expect to have multiple discussions.

Have genuine compassion for what the other person would have to sacrifice to give you what you want.

Get past the surface questions of why this city or that city, and discuss the deeper concerns and insecurities about your desire or reluctance to move.

Ask yourselves what kind of relationship you want to create, and how each of you will contribute to creating that kind of relationship in this location or that.

Recap what your partner says to make sure you understand.

Grease the wheels of negotiation by looking for and acknowledging points of agreement. If you maximize the positives of what your partner is saying, it feels more collaborative.

Don't cave in because you can't tolerate any more negotiation. If you bend, you both must be clear on why you're bending.

If you're stuck, pretend that you've made a decision. See how it feels for a few days.