Mature behaviors ease stress in relationships

Do you feel a lot of tension toward a co-worker or family member? Do you fantasize about getting your feelings out in the open by shouting or name-calling?

Most of us have fantasized about letting other people have it, full force. In fact, many people cross that line every day. Both verbal and physical violence seem to be on the rise.

In order to help soothe tension and get our world back on track, each of us must do our part not to cause more tension. Acting out mature behaviors is key.

"The crazier things become, the calmer you must be," says a police officer we'll call Brandon. "Mature behaviors can help a whole room full of people calm down."

Brandon says he's defused several domestic violence situations in his hometown. In every situation, he knows that he could personally have become the target of anger. Cops do get killed in these instances, he points out.

"It's a good idea to never attack a person as the problem," says Brandon. "It's better, in any situation, to talk about the situation itself. I try to make the situation seem manageable. I ask people what they need."

He goes on to say that money issues, personal health problems or in-law issues can increase tension in a household. He believes that behaving correctly can help everyone calm down.

Brandon offers these tips:

— Never act judgmental. Resist the temptation to refer to someone as crazy, loud or stupid. Allow everyone in a situation to keep his or her dignity.

— Talk about the situation as fixable. Don't tell two people who are quarreling that their case is hopeless. Suggest that they can probably find ways to work things out.

— Ask questions. This forces tense people to think logically. When two individuals are at odds with each other, ask, "What do each of you think the real problem is? What kind of help do you need?"

Brandon explains that two police officers in his department got into a heated quarrel last year. At the core of the tension, says Brandon, was the fact that one of the officers had family problems driving him up the wall.

"This officer's adult son had moved into his house with three kids in tow," says Brandon. "The son was divorced and had lost his job. My employee came to work so stressed out, every single day. I helped him find some financial help for his expanded household until his son could find a job."

Acting maturely to examine causes of problems is a good way to make sure the same problems don't keep surfacing. This means we have to stop reacting. We have to start asking intelligent questions.

A woman we'll call Maggie says her son-in-law was ready to walk out on his family. "I was frantic," says Maggie. "I have three grandchildren, and this man has always been a solid rock for them. When I sat down with him to talk calmly, I found out my daughter was abusing prescription pain killers."

Maggie confronted her daughter in a nonjudgmental way. "I asked her if she was ready to take control or did she want her family to dissolve. Those were her two choices."

Maggie asked her son-in-law and grandchildren to stay at her house for a couple of weeks. "They needed some love and a little peace," says Maggie. "I told my daughter to focus on her own needs and take a break from looking after everyone."

Maggie's intervention did get the family back on track. Her daughter sought help for the misuse of drugs, and her family is now back together.

"Our world needs mature people who can responsibly take charge of chaos," says Maggie. "If you yell, point the finger of blame or make things worse, you'll never resolve a bad situation."

— — —

JudiHopsonandEmmaHopsonareauthorsofastressmanagementbookforparamedics,firefightersandpolice,"BurnoutToBalance:EMSStress."TedHagenisafamilypsychologist.WritetothemincareofMcClatchy-TribuneNewsService,70012thStreetNW,Suite1000,WashingtonDC20005;pleaseencloseacopyofthecolumnandthenameofthenewspaperyousawitin.YoucanalsocontacttheauthorsthroughtheWebsitewww.hopsonglobal.com.