Advice for getting along at the family reunion

DETROIT — About 40 men, women and children spill from the charter bus on Detroit's Belle Isle. They know they are in the right place because the people already there are wearing T-shirts with bold, blue letters — "Lifting Our Voices as Family" — this year's theme of the Dugger Family Reunion.

"We've been having reunions since 1981 or 1982," says Genevieve Douglas of Detroit as she checks meat on the grill. "We get together every year."

Versions of the Dugger reunion will play out at parks, hotels and union halls throughout the summer as families across America connect and reconnect with one another.

But every connection isn't a fond family affair, many organizers will tell you.

They have stories of relatives who show up without paying their share of the party costs, arrive with five people when they registered for two, or show up without registering at all — making planning difficult.

"Unfortunately, those are really common problems," says Edith Wagner, editor of Reunions magazine. "And you know what? Families usually know exactly who the people are who are going to do that."

But responding to tricky situations when planning or while in the midst of a family reunion can be difficult, organizers acknowledge.

It takes plenty of advance planning, constant communication, a dose of tough love and heaping helpings of patience and humor.

Handling latecomers, money concerns

"We had people call a few days before and ask, 'Is it too late?' " says Romona Sipes, 62, of Detroit, the main organizer for 400 members of last month's United Martin Family Reunion in Detroit.

The vast majority were on time, she says, but a few waited until the last minute. "After a certain date, you have to cut them off because you have to turn in your numbers."

Their banquet was June 27; anyone not registered by June 25 simply couldn't attend.

This year, the Duggers put color-coded stickers on name tags handed out when people arrived. A yellow sticker meant you paid for your T-shirt. A red sticker meant you owed money. And a green sticker meant that you paid the $15 banquet fee.

"We try to be as diplomatic as possible," Douglas says. "We say, 'We don't have you registered for each of the people you have.' "

Douglas says they don't make a scene on the spot and sometimes ask the offending relative to make a donation toward the cost of future reunions if they really can't afford it at the time.

About 300 people attended the Clayton family reunion in Detroit this year. The organizers charge $100 per family of four for a weekend packed with activities.

But a few people didn't pay anything.

"That happens all the time," says LaNette Porties of Clinton Township, Mich., who helped plan this year's gathering. "What can you do? You don't want to turn people away. So when they don't pay, the rest of us have to step up and do it.

"Why say anything? They know they're wrong."

Handling other issues

Wagner says many of the problems that arise happen with all family gatherings: "Uncle So-and-So drinks too much and then gets rowdy," she says.

But there is a way to anticipate the problem. For example, if you know there's a family member likely to drink too much, either make it an alcohol-free event or have someone always on standby — perhaps siblings — to keep Uncle So-and-So under control.

She has heard of families who pick and choose which relatives get invited to their reunions, but she advises against that.

"A family reunion is for everybody," she says. "It's not like a wedding where you can decide, if you want, not to invite Uncle So-and-So."

Wagner also advises budgeting for the unexpected by charging a few dollars more than the predetermined costs.

Ayana Ball, 27, of Detroit, who planned this year's Mumpfield reunion for 150, says that advice would have come in handy.

"This is what happened to us — we paid for this shelter, but we didn't know until we got here that there was a charge for electricity. And it had to be a money order," Ball says.

The Derrick-McGruder family had a rather unusual problem the last time they got together.

A few family members arrived at the picnic and chose to sit apart from everyone else.

"They didn't mingle, and they had their food separate from us," says Janet Derrick-Curtis, 51, of Dearborn, Mich.

To avoid that problem at this year's gathering on Belle Isle, reunion planners sent out letters saying that the picnic would be potluck, all the food would be placed together and seating would be arranged so that everyone is together.

"We want to be united," Derrick-Curtis says. "That's why we have the reunion."

Family reunion planning tips

• Alert family early and often about reunion costs.

• Stagger fees. Charge the least for people who turn in their payments early; charge more the closer it gets to the due date.

• Communicate clearly. If a family rate is for a maximum of four family members, the literature going out should make that clear.

• If giving souvenirs, make them available only to those who have registered in advance.

• Assign one person to be accountable for money and keep clear records.

• Assign a small committee to handle calls, e-mails and letters. It also should remind people of upcoming payment due dates.

• Consider allowing people to register for parts of the reunion if a general fee covering all activities is beyond what some members can pay.

• Collect a bit more money than you think you'll need to be sure you can cover unexpected costs.

• Let family members know that if they don't pay, someone — usually the host family or primary organizers — has to pick up the costs.

Source: Reunions magazine and metro Detroit families