Simple holiday traditions bring families together

Pass the eggnog!

For families feeling pinched, Thanksgiving dinner or holiday gifts can bust an already tight budget. So before you find yourself too enmeshed in the holidays, take a step back and consider your family traditions.

Now's a good time to sit down with your kids and review expectations, said Stephanie Coontz, professor of history and family studies at The Evergreen State College in Olympia. "It's also a good time to review the role of 'things' in our lives," she said. "How important are the things they see advertised on TV?"

When her son was young, every year they would go through his toys and she would ask him how many he had to have. They would talk about ones he wanted versus ones he actually needed. Then they spent an evening wrapping toys he didn't need to give to charity. "It always brought down his wish list," she said.

Bonnie Reinhardsen, 61, of Bellevue recalls how when she was a girl, Hanukkah celebrations were always simple. Gifts were things like pajamas or socks. "I always try to keep that going with my family and not make too much of a big commercial thing about it."

For many years, Maria Brown of Richmond Beach has taken her three daughters to Wight's Home & Garden in Lynnwood to pick out their special Christmas ornaments. However, she expects this year will be lean, and they'll probably skip the trip and make their own.

"The last thing a working mom needs to feel is, 'Gosh, I have to put this big family dinner on the table,' " Coontz said. The large holiday meal, she said, arose from a time when people had extended family networks that could pitch in with the preparations.

It's also important to recognize that family conflict often increases during hard times. She suggests that families speak honestly about the stresses "and the things that can be done without."

Food for the soul

For Kelli Field-Darragh's family in Snoqualmie, New Year's Eve holds the most significance. "It's a time when we talk a lot about the previous year and what we hope for in the new year."

Every year she bakes a cake for the family to eat on that day. She strategically places gold coins in the cake, signifying good luck, so that almost all of the kids get one.

"The funny thing is that (the kids) never seem to spend these coins," she said. "They save them, and every New Year's they bring out the coins from years past and talk about the good luck they've had and what they hope will happen in the new year. It's such a small thing, but it means a great deal to them, and we never miss it."

Every year around the holidays, Donna Lee, 63, of Sammamish bakes cookies with her grandchildren. Two are now teenagers, and she keeps expecting that one day they'll bow out of the ritual. "But every year, they still want to come over and bake and wear aprons."

"I think it's very valuable to children to have things that are the same year after year no matter what else is going on in their lives," she said.

Reach out

Consider creating a tradition of community service, Coontz said. "Families that have these kinds of traditions to bond them together to help the world can create real resilience."

Despite tough times, Coontz also encourages people to find inexpensive ways to socialize and to have fun. During the Great Depression, she points out, many were embarrassed by their change in circumstances and didn't want to invite friends over to their homes.

"Remember, you're not alone in this," she said. "There are other people, too, who are having to change their lifestyle."

Take time to share

The holidays are a perfect time to reflect on what's most important in life. Sometimes people just need a reminder to be thankful for what they have, said Sue Lundquist, 39, of Woodinville, author of "I'm Thankful" (Halo Publishing International), a journal created to facilitate positive communication within families.

"What is really most important in life?" Lundquist said. "That is your family."

Every night before bedtime, she asks her daughters two questions: What was your favorite part of the day? And what are you most thankful for?

Her 5-year-old once replied: "I love that I have a nose so that I can smell Mommy's cookies."

Such a simple ritual, Lundquist says, helps encourage communication and cultivates compassion and gratitude in children.

Once, during a disagreement with one of her daughters, Lundquist just looked at her and said: "Thank you for loving me."

"It just turned me around inside. My heart swelled, and tears came to my eyes. It completely brought everyone back to where we should be."

Joy Jernigan is a freelance writer in Redmond. You can reach her at joy.jernigan@live.com.