Building a new marriage - and a bridge to your young-adult stepchildren

Kimberly McKenna is a family leadership adviser on Whidbey Island, working in particular with stepfamilies. She is the director of the Center for Family Leadership at the Oceanside Institute and editor of evilstepmom.org.

Jean, a client of mine, always pictured herself at the center of a big family. But after a brief early marriage, she found herself raising her son alone for 16 years. So she was delighted to fall in love — at 42 — with a man who had four young-adult children. Her joy turned to dismay soon after the honeymoon.

"Bill and I were married in August. I thought Christmas would be a good time for a family portrait, since my 23-year-old stepdaughter would be home from her first job. Bill went along. But when the photographer arrived on Christmas Eve, Bill's daughter told us it was ridiculous and accused her father of 'erasing Mom from your life!' She stormed out and barely spoke to us for two years."

Jean's story didn't surprise me. I was 19 when my parents divorced and 22 when they each remarried. I remember feeling like the runway had dropped out from under me as I was taxiing for liftoff. Now that I have three young-adult stepchildren myself, I also understand Jean's desire to get to know them and create a sense of family before they take off for good.

Every year, millions of people face the twin challenges of building a new marriage while helping to launch young-adult stepchildren. But few of these newlyweds know where the landmines are or how to avoid stepping on them.

Young people are having a harder time moving out and achieving financial and emotional independence, whether their parents are divorced or not. So it's easy to see how stepparents can get caught in the crossfire between anxious biological parents and their struggling young adults.

No wonder the failure rate of second marriages is high and climbing — now at 65 percent, according to a study on cohabitation, marriage, divorce and remarriage from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The No. 1 reason? "Problems with the kids."

The good news is, there are things you can do to launch a new marriage and a young-adult stepchild at the same time. Based on my research and experience, here's what I've learned:

Take your time. Stepmom Jean was in too big a hurry for her stepdaughter, and it backfired. Kids move toward stepparents at different rates. Six months passed between the time I met the first of my husband's young-adult children and the last. My husband let them know that he'd introduce us when they were ready. If you don't press young adults, they have an easier time coming toward you. So let them know the door is open, but don't force yourself on them. (And don't let your spouse force you on them, either.)

Fix yourself first. As a newcomer to the family, you'll see lots of ways your spouse and your stepkids could handle themselves better, but trying to straighten them out is a sure path to disaster. When tempted to criticize, bite your tongue till it bleeds. Most important, think about what you can do to stay calm and take responsibility for your part in what's happening.

Don't overreact; take the long view. Building a stepfamily is a process, not an event. There will be ups and downs. When tensions rise, as they often do, breathe and step back. There's a lot going on, and it's easy to take it personally when your stepson answers your questions with a curt "yes" or "no." When this happens, remember: It's not all about you. He may have had a fight with his girlfriend, bombed an exam or lost his job. Wise stepparents keep their cool, and think in terms of years and decades rather than weeks and months.

Kids need time alone with their parents. Few spouses are eager to be apart, and no one wants to feel left out. But young adults need access to their parents' advice, coaching and wisdom. Most young people won't have an intimate conversation with their mom about their recent breakup while their stepfather sits nearby eating his oatmeal. Even if it's uncomfortable for you, insist that your spouse connect with his kids without you present. It will assure the kids that they'll still be able to talk with their parent whenever they want, and that they don't need to worry about leaving you out.

Stay on your own path. Focus on what's important to you — work, hobbies or relationships. One of the best things you can do for your stepchildren is provide a living example of a healthy, happy, fully functioning adult. Whatever it takes — counseling, yoga, sleep, exercise — bringing your best self to your stepfamily will help you avoid drama in the short term and promote stability in your family for generations to come.

Love their parent. There is no better gift you can give young-adult stepchildren than to build a strong, satisfying relationship with your spouse. Young people in the process of leaving home worry about the people they're leaving behind — including their parents. A happy parent gives adult children peace of mind to focus on their own lives.