Answering a child's questions about gay parents

Q: How much information is appropriate to give young children (6-8 years) about gay families?

Evidently, my daughter has a gay family in her classroom, and I want her to understand and be tolerant. She asked specifically how a mommy gets a baby with no daddy.

A: You need only tell your child that families come in many forms. Most families have a mom and a dad; some only one dad or one mom; and some, two moms or two dads. Include the fact that sometimes grandparents raise grandchildren. There are foster families and parents who adopt children and some couples and adults who have no children but help raise their nephews and nieces.

Do you know how this gay couple acquired their child? Did they adopt? Did one of the moms receive artificial insemination? If a family had two dads, you might need to explain about a surrogate mother. If you know the particulars, you can explain as simply as possible about adoption, artificial insemination or a surrogate mother. Your child will not understand every word and more questions may follow but most important is to respond.

Your answer may lead to another question. You may need to explain that for a fetus to develop in a woman's womb, it takes a sperm from a male, but the sperm can find its way there in a number of ways. As you offer your explanation, you'll sift it through your own personal values. That's why it's important to respond.

If you sidestep the question, your child will get the message that you're uncomfortable and will protect you from further embarrassment by asking someone else. Who will she turn to? A peer? The Internet? A teacher? A Scout leader? A book? Your child will receive bits and pieces of information from any and all of these sources, eventually coming up with her own explanation, but wouldn't you like your child to hear an explanation from you first?

Even if you can't come up with the perfect response, say something. You can always come back to this topic, adding or deleting information, as the days, weeks, months and years go by.

Q: My daughter, age 5, asked, "Will you die someday?" I didn't know what to say, but I did tell her the truth. She cried and remained worried for a few days. Did I do right by telling her the truth that someday I will die?

A: As hard as it is, it's best to tell the truth in this matter. Say something to the effect of, "Yes, someday I will die. It won't be for a long time, when I'm very old. You'll be a grown lady when I die." Now we all know that this may not be the perfect truth — any parent could die in a car accident or from cancer — but there's no need to burden young children with these possibilities.

This conversation disturbs parents because it takes away a child's innocence. To script it more carefully, you can add, "Before I die, you'll graduate from high school, you'll likely get married and have your own children, you'll live in your own home and have a job." By saying this, you give your child a picture of her life ahead.

I remember asking my mother at age 10 what would happen to me and my sisters if she and my daddy were to die in an airplane crash. She said that we would live with Uncle Gale and Aunt Janie. I remember thinking, "OK." I never thought another thing about it.

Children need to know that if something unforeseen happens to their mom and dad that someone would be there to care for and love them. I knew my aunt and uncle would do so.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers readers' questions on parenting and development in her column. E-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists