Want to simplify your life and clarify your priorities? Say no

Someone asks you to do something, but you're already super busy.

Mum is not the word. Neither is yes, nor even maybe. Say no, in no uncertain terms.

Author Jim Camp, in a new book titled "NO," explains why yes is bad for you, and maybe is even worse. Those words get you into so much trouble, especially during this time of year when everyone is formulating soon-to-be-broken New Year's resolutions.

You end up overextending yourself and simply failing to get what you want, the 60-year-old professional negotiating coach says.

"The best word in the English language," he insists, "is 'no.' It stops everyone in their tracks, clears the air and allows you to get at what the real issues are."

Take, for instance, Camp's daughter, Kristi — one of seven children and six grandchildren. She's only 4, but she's got a good working knowledge of "No."

"Let me tell you a story," Camp says from his home in Dublin, Ohio. "Kristi came into my office one day and asked if I'd take her to the playground. I told her I couldn't because I was waiting for a very important phone call.

"A few minutes later she came back and said, 'Daddy, can you please take me to the playground?'

"After the fourth time I was getting angry. On the fifth try, there she stood in the doorway with our Newfie, and she was holding his leash.

" 'Daddy, Beau can take me to the playground.'

"I said 'NO!' and had visions of her being dragged behind our big Newfoundland dog.

"Ten minutes later, my mother called and said, 'I don't care about your phone call; take my granddaughter to the playground.' "

Kristi had called Grandma to tell on Daddy.

Baby steps

In the adult world, however, there are few arm-twisting grandmothers, and Camp says the positive and the negative aren't carved in childhood's good vs. bad world view.

"We don't say no because we don't want to hurt anybody," he says. "We don't want to let someone down. But no is nothing more than a decision, not a rejection."

Brenda Zeller, a therapeutic health facilitator and relationship and vital life coach, says, "People just don't know how to say no, yet it's a very important part of life."

Zeller, based in Emmaus, Pa., says her long title describes who she is — a "Renaissance gal" who coaches a lot of Renaissance clients with so many interests they can hardly say no to anything.

"It can be overwhelming," she says, "because we also want to be known as nice people."

Zeller has a sign in her office that reads, "I can't make that decision now. I'll have to think about it and get back to you."

But doesn't that contradict Camp's theory that you should just say no first?

"Not everybody can say no," Zeller says. Her sign is a transition point, "until you're at the place where Jim is."

Meanwhile, she says, "Practice saying no to your friends."

Accentuate the negative

Camp says, "I would like people to focus, to pay attention to their decisions. Their lives would be so much better. Everything we have and do comes from a decision."

Camp says you don't have to be mean or treat people badly when you say no — if you tell them you just can't do what they're asking, but leave the door open for further discussion, then a better decision is likely to follow.

"What you're really doing," he says, "is giving the other person permission to disagree."

As far as New Year's resolutions go, Camp says you should feel comfortable saying no to what you want to change, such as your smoking habit.

"Instead of taking the positive — 'I will stop smoking' — take the negative. You say no to smoking; it's easy, then, to visualize yourself smoke-free."

Sometimes we're afraid to say no this time of year because we'll be seen as failing to be full participants in the celebrations, said Dalton Rumfield of Alliance Counseling and Wellness Coaching in Lower Macungie Township, Pa."I think many people struggle with saying no because of the consequences of saying no. We're expected to do it all, to please everybody," Rumfield says.

Asked how the "no" business is doing, Camp says, "We have more than 4,000 clients globally, from a tombstone manufacturer in Alabama to billionaires."

Asked if he would coach Britney Spears on how to say no, Camp answers, "No way!"

By the way, did Kristi get to the playground?

That would be an emphatic YES!