Deck the halls, not the relatives

Did life ever really resemble a Norman Rockwell painting, three generations of family gathered happily around a table as a huge turkey dinner makes its entrance — with no food fights?

Or a Grandma Moses painting, a coziness so evocative you can smell the pies and feel the heat of the woodstove, with children entertaining themselves and not a Wii system in sight?

Maybe. But now, December seems to arrive gift-wrapped in stress, with ex-spouses expected to bury the hatchet for the sake of the children; long-simmering feuds boiling over like gravy on the stove; and estrangement, illness, grief, unemployment, jealousy and sibling rivalry also at the table.

And that's just the first course.

This time of year, many of us experience both the excitement of the holidays and the dread of family interactions we fear may go awry — the wrong thing said, a political discussion that gets out of hand, a relative who's had one too many martinis and doesn't appreciate your Beach Boys Christmas CD.

A hard lesson

Michelle Chavez, of Duvall, knows a thing or two about getting along with family. She is one of seven children, and her husband is one of 10.

"We try to behave ourselves during the holidays and fight at other times," she said with a laugh.

She learned the hard way. One Thanksgiving, she and her mother had an argument about peeling and chopping potatoes. Her mother said she wished her other daughter were there. She would know how to prepare the potatoes.

"I was so angry," Chavez remembers. "I said, 'I will never come back to this house for another Thanksgiving.' "

Her mother died before the next one.

Now, "I keep my mouth shut," Chavez said. "If it's not going to make any difference, there is no point in it. I don't hang on to the negative; it's over and done with."

Forget the Frangos

In addition to being able to let some things go, the most important item you can bring to a family gathering is not the Frangos. Many experts say it's a sense of humor.

"It's normal for families to have disagreements and things that irritate them," according to Leonard Felder, a therapist in Los Angeles. Felder is the author of "When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity" (Rodale Books, 2003).

In his book, Felder gives two examples of a technique he calls "silent humor and calm detachment." A woman is at a mall with her teenage daughter — her rude, exasperating, selfish daughter. Rather than become agitated, the mother says to herself, "I wonder whose daughter that unpleasant girl might be." The mother detaches herself mentally and emotionally, and is able to tell the daughter that the shopping trip is, like, over.

In another scenario, a couple dining with an obnoxious parent say to each other, "I don't know if we've met this unusual older gentleman."

Felder says the technique helps us change our reaction to difficult people, and it is then easier to spend time with them.

Realistic expectations

Expectations are high at the holidays, and it is hard for family to live up to them.

"Many of our desires for family are not realistic," according to Steven Schuetz, a marriage and family counselor in Seattle. "We forget about the family patterns lying dormant, and all arrive with different agendas — to control, to just get along, to pick a fight."

Everyone has a story about family at the holidays. If Santa Claus were really keeping track of who is naughty and nice, the first list would be much longer than the second.

Felder says it helps to have a plan about how you will handle a difficult relative or a challenging situation you may be able to foresee.

"Make a choice. Are you planning to throw a fit? What would a successful visit be? Focus on positive things that can happen," he said.

He also advises people to set aside time for one-on-ones with relatives, with no distractions.

"Put the electronic devices away," he said. "They keep us from having intimate conversations."

Felder has made it a tradition to help his stepmother cook and clean up. It is their time to talk. Couples should agree to have the other's back and even sneak away together for a walk, a movie or a nap. And watch the alcohol consumption. Conversations easily turn hurtful when families drink.

Most of all, keep trying.

"One bad day doesn't mean permanent estrangement," Schuetz says. "Try again. Families are resilient."

Rebecca Morris has been a broadcast and print journalist for 34 years. She teaches journalism at Bellevue Community College.