First college test: dorm life

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Susan Fee terms it the "dump call."

Two weeks into a college freshman's first semester, he calls home to rail about his miserable dorm roommate.

"Parents are frantic because sometimes they are out of state or far away and they don't know what to do," Fee said.

"The best response is to have some empathy for his situation and then say 'What do you think you should do about it?' " said Fee, author of "My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!" (Adams Media), a book that offers students tips to enhance their college experience by learning lifelong lessons in communications skills.

Fee encourages parents to be a sounding board for their children but to refrain from telling them what to do. "This is part of their education, too. Your role is to teach them skills they need to solve their own situations," said Fee, a licensed counselor and corporate trainer specializing in conflict resolution and interpersonal communication skills.

Fee said her roommate book was inspired by two years as a counselor at Baldwin-Wallace College in Berea, Ohio.

"For two weeks straight after the semester started it seemed every single student came in and said, 'My roommate is driving me crazy.' It hit me this is the first time these students ever had to deal — really deal with — conflict resolution," Fee said in a telephone interview.

Many students arrive at their residence halls with a sense of entitlement, Fee said. "We have homes that are bigger. Even if children have siblings, many of them have their own rooms. They have their own bathrooms. They have received more one-on-one attention through private training and classes and tutoring.

"They have parents who, with the best intent, have been involved in their lives but sometimes overinvolved to the point they have stepped in and handled conflicts for their children."

Termed helicopter parents, "they just hover and hover and hover," Fee said.

"Parents need to transition into being monitors and coaches because we are trying to give kids skills. If students are unable to handle roommate situations, it's going to move on to situations with professors and getting hired and talking to supervisors and working with co-workers."

In many respects, technology has contributed to this black hole of verbal communication, Fee said, recalling an incident at Baldwin-Wallace: A student was in Fee's office complaining about a dispute she had with her roommate in their room. The young woman said, "'I typed my response to her and I looked at her and she did not even type back."'

Fee was dumbfounded. "I said, 'Wait a second, did you just say you typed it? Were you having a fight in your room typing?' "

The student responded affirmatively, indicating the roommates were instant messaging (IM) on their computers. "So there she was, 4 feet away, and having an IM fight with her roommate."

Technology gives students a different way to communicate, but it also gives them an escape clause, Fee said. "If you don't like conflict, you love e-mail and you love texting and you love blogs because you don't have to deal with the repercussions."

Even after discussing conflict resolution with college students, many had no idea how to break the ice. Fee offers 250 conversation starters to broach issues stemming from personality clashes, sloppiness, differences in culture, religion or sexual orientation, or an uncommunicative roommate.

"College is just a microcosm of our society, so there's going to be some students who have struggles," Fee said. "This is not a mark on you or your roommate. These things are treatable. We just need to know about them so we can get people the help they need."