You can lead your child to the table, but you can't make him eat

Here's a rule for your consideration: Don't get between your child and his food.

Your child controls what she swallows. If you're between your child and his food, what your child eats becomes embedded in your relationship.

If you're willing to adhere to this rule, then you believe that children, given appropriate choices of nutritious foods, will eat what they need. The American Academy of Pediatrics makes this claim in the book "Guide to Your Child's Nutrition: Making Peace at the Table and Building Healthy Eating Habits for Life," William H. Dietz and Loraine Stern, editors (1999, Villard Books). This approach does not claim, however, that children will eat a perfectly balanced meal each breakfast, lunch and dinner, but that over a three-to-five-day period, they will eat what their bodies require.

A parent's role is not to entice, persuade or insist that their children eat certain foods or amounts of foods. Mom and Dad's role is to set food on the table — some of which they know their kids will eat, and some of which they hope they'll learn to enjoy — and allow the children to make a meal with the food provided.

It's the parents' responsibility to notice if their children are healthy, sleeping, growing and energetic. If a child is not, then it's time to talk to your child's doctor and possibly consult a nutritionist. If a child isn't eating adequately, understand that it won't help the situation by saying something like, "Eat this for Daddy," or "Eat this if you want a bowl of ice cream."

When parents consider following this rule, many questions arise:

"What if my child doesn't eat his dinner and is hungry before bed?" There are several things a parent can do in this situation:

• Before your child leaves the table, remind him, "I can't force you to eat your dinner, but remember there will be no food until breakfast."

• Cover your child's plate with plastic wrap, put it in the refrigerator and offer it as a snack before bed.

• Offer crackers and cheese, yogurt or cereal before bed.

"If my child has not eaten his dinner, can he have dessert?" No. It's not a good idea for a child to have a bowl of ice cream, cookies or chocolate cake if he hasn't eaten dinner. But it's not nice for everyone else to indulge in these treats in front of the child, either. If dessert becomes a problem, it's best to eliminate it from the family menu.

"Do you say nothing during the meal about the food on the table?" Go ahead and make suggestions, and encourage your child to take one bite of a food. If your child declines a certain food, respect his right to do so. Also make the statement that although he didn't care for the taste of the food today, someday he might enjoy it. Also talk up the foods you like. Remember, you're a powerful role model. Your children are watching you. If you've just made a delicious dish and find it tasty, talk of its savory flavors.

"Do you turn food control completely over to your children?" No. But it's important to realize what you do and do not control. You control the food that comes into the house, the food you put on the table and the food that is available to your children, but you don't control what they swallow.

At mealtime, resist closely monitoring your child's food consumption. Instead, focus on pleasant conversation. Usually when parents do so, everyone eats what he or she needs.

Teach children to decline food politely. Saying "yuck" is not OK; saying "No thank you, I don't care for asparagus" is. Also, in small portions, teach about nutrition with the goal that in time your children will understand what constitutes healthful eating.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to:

Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists