Using anger effectively can be a challenge

Most parents feel angry from time to time, some more than others. Lots of parents worry about the intensity of anger they express toward their children.

Sometimes anger directed at children occurs simply because a parent is repeating how her own parents behaved. Just as most parents naturally and automatically express the love, kindness and adoration that was shown them by their own parents, parents also repeat inappropriate and damaging bouts of anger that had been directed at them.

Adult-children whose parents didn't purge anger toward them find themselves blowing up at their children. Why? Because most parents had little training or education before giving birth. It's on-the-job training at it's worst. When in the middle of a busy day with uncooperative children, it's easy to attack them with a dose of parental anger. Kids, unfortunately, are easy targets.

Bouts of anger lessen when parents gain skills for managing children's behavior and when they're able to adjust their expectations considering a child's unique temperament and developmental age.

Anger expressed on a limited basis is not all bad. When parents express their anger with words — without using contempt, sarcasm or insults — it can sometimes change and improve children's behavior.

Here are some ways to express anger that are OK:

Address your feelings: "I had a terrible day. I'm angry. When I see clutter on the floor, kitchen table and counter tops, I feel angrier. I can't begin cooking dinner. Here are some crackers and cheese, I'm going to take a bath. When I'm finished in 15 minutes, I expect that the floor, countertops and kitchen table will be clutter free."

Offer options: "I'm angry. I need to cook dinner. I can't with the floor, countertops and kitchen table cluttered. Here are your options, I can either scoop up all the stuff and put it in a box or you can tidy up the area yourself."

Speak of respect versus disrespect: "I'm angry about this clutter. It's disrespectful to spread your stuff in the common living areas of this house. The TV and computer are going off. I'm going to change my clothes. I expect your paraphernalia to be put away when I return to cook dinner."

Refer to a family rule: "I'm angry. There's a rule in this house which states that it's not OK to clutter the common living spaces. This rule is in place for everyone's consideration. I expect that you will tidy the room so that I can cook dinner."

Be strong in your demeanor and voice, rather than emotionally out of control with rage. If you're attempting to change your angry ways, give yourself credit if once a week you can effectively express your anger. It's difficult to change deep-seated patterns. It takes practice to use these approaches spontaneously.

Use any one of these methods or use a combination of them, but only do so when you're able to think rationally. If you're so angry that you can't think clearly, retreat to your bedroom or sit on the floor near your child without saying anything. Wait until you return to your emotional equilibrium then use one of the options.

It's worth your time and energy to get on top of your anger as it withers intimacy between you and your child. Children often avoid a parent who lashes out in anger and the unintended result is that you lose your ability to influence your child in positive ways.

If you're unable to change your angry ways, seek professional help.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists