What gap? Parents and teens are connecting in a way previous generations didn't

Parents and teens used to fight about drugs, sex and rock 'n' roll.

Now, apparently, it's for the remote.

As surveys show a narrowing generation gap, more teens report they enjoy hanging out at home, which is often decked out with full entertainment centers. Easy-going parenting styles and less teen rebellion mean home is often more peaceful than what parents remember as kids.

"Home and family have become more important to today's teens," noted Anna D'Agrosa, editor of The Zandl Group's Hot Sheet. The New York-based research firm interviews hundreds of teens each year to track trends.

"Ten years ago, less than a quarter of teens listed home as their favorite place to be, compared to nearly half in 2006," D'Agrosa wrote in an e-mail to The Times. One in four teens list family as the most important thing about their day-to-day life, versus one in 10 a decade ago.

Many experts credit teens' new attitude to parents' changing priorities.

"This generation of parents places more importance on being involved and in tune with the day-to-day lives of their teens," D'Agrosa said. "Teens appreciate this attention and are more likely to confide in and value time with their parents."

"Parents think, 'Oh, teens don't want us in their lives,' but they do," said Shoreline therapist Tiffany English. "They want parents to be involved, just not controlling."

English, who works primarily with teens, believes today's parents' more collaborative style helps dampen teen trouble-making. She likens earlier generations' strict parenting approach to a brick wall: "The harder the surface to bounce off, the farther you bounce," she said.

Many parents now accept and respect teen input, while still retaining their right to make the ultimate decision.

"Our closeness is definitely because of our parenting style," said Kirkland resident Rich Bergdahl, whose stepdaughter, Lexy Ashley, is 17. "Lexy receives a lot of our time and attention." Instead of strife, "we are rewarded daily for our parenting efforts over the years by the good-hearted, self-confident, and independent lady she has become," he said.

Ashley agrees she's very close to her parents. "I feel like they understand me more," she said. "They have good insight on decisions and advice, you know?"

With more shared interests in music, movies and TV shows, "there is less of a generational gap between parents and teens today than we have seen in the past," noted D'Agrosa. "Parents are less strict and less likely to impose curfews or restrict stylistic expression (such as piercings or tattoos)."

As Michael Hays a Seattle father of a 12-year-old son, asks, "So what's to rebel against?"

His son "can listen to whatever music he chooses, watch most of what he wants, do or go anyplace I deem safe. He has his iPod, more video games than he should and more freedom than we did as teens," Hays said. "He also has my support to be whatever or whoever he wants to be. He wants to be a musician? I get him into piano lessons. He wants to learn to skateboard? I send him to skate camp.

"The difference today from when I was a teen is that I don't expect him to grow up to be just another laborer or corporate stooge (as my parents expected of me). Of course, I rebelled! I've shown my son a world of infinite possibilities."

Even so, Ashley dismisses the suggestion that all is cozy with most teens. "High-schoolers in general are pretty rebellious," she said.

English still sees a generation gap over the Internet, which fosters its own sense of freedom. "A lot of teens go online and become a whole other entity that parents don't know about," she said. "It's not reality and not necessarily who that teen will become, but it can be very frightening to parents."

An essential part of adolescent development is breaking away from parents. Though it can drive parents crazy, it's really a positive thing when teens express differing opinions. "Wanting to become their own person — that's natural," said English, a licensed social worker. "If they're not doing it, that's a concern."

To foster good relationships, the trick is finding a balance between too-strict and too-permissive styles; neither extreme is good, English said.

Edmonds mom Jillayne Schlicke, whose daughters are 13 and 9, rejected her own dad's authoritarian approach, which left her "angry and confused" as a teen. Her rules focus on safety, homework, grades and positive character traits such as honesty and responsibility.

"Now that I am a parent, I can give my daughters the parenting I wish I would have had: They have choices with consequences," she wrote in an e-mail to The Times.

"I see my kids as basically good kids who need guidance and who are smart enough to make good choices. ... Instead of trying to break my kids down to conform to what I think they should or ought to do or be, I try to give them a world in which to unfold themselves and discover who they are. Then I just get out of their way and let them bloom."

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com or 206-464-2091