Freedom for the angry heart, and a more productive life

When his teenage daughter was stricken with leukemia, Mark Malone reached out to his older brother after an estrangement of 30 years.

Their disagreement, rooted in hurtful family history, suddenly seemed insignificant compared to what was important now — unifying around Natalie in her fight to live.

"I don't know why it's been this way between us. I never intended for it to be this way," said Malone at one point in the long-distance conversation.

"It's over," responded his brother, a lieutenant colonel with the Army in Afghanistan.

And with those few words, it really was over.

Malone felt a weight lift — an emotional heaviness that "had always been part of my mental landscape ... had always felt wrong ... had always been a source of pain."

Forgiveness.

The world's major religions have always extolled its virtues. But, until recently, the idea that it could heal a person emotionally and possibly lead to better physical health wasn't commonly accepted.

Focusing on forgiveness

The steps to forgiveness — which any individual can learn — still aren't part of mainstream psychotherapy. But forgiveness is now a health topic researched at major universities, explored at national conferences, lauded in best-selling books and on national talk shows.

"To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest ... " writes South Africa's Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu in his book "No Future Without Forgiveness." Tutu was the chairman of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, created to help the nation heal after apartheid ended.

Social scientists are teaching the process of forgiveness as a route to a happier and more productive life to all kinds of people — poor children who live in the violent inner city, battered women, families who lost loved ones in 9/11, sales staff at a major financial corporation.

"The topic has exploded in interest," said Robert Enright, a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness and professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

"The science we've done is solid and strong. Forgiveness is a viable approach to emotional healing."

Local mental-health experts, chaplains and doctors say they regularly help patients who have unfinished emotional business grapple with forgiveness. Afterwards, the patient often notices feeling lighter.

"I've seen it happen again and again, especially with a new diagnosis," said the Rev. Debra Jarvis, a chaplain at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. "It's almost as if people's hearts are opened."

It does spell relief

There's no proof that practicing forgiveness directly diminishes disease.

But studies have shown it can relieve stress, anxiety and depression; lessen physical symptoms such as headaches, backaches and stomach distress and lift emotional baggage that may stand in the way of good health habits like eating right.

Failing to forgive may be risky. Unchecked stress, for example, has been linked to chronic conditions such as diabetes, hypertension and heart problems.

"There's some evidence, if you're angry or less forgiving, you tend to have a greater incidence of almost all conditions," said Fred Luskin, director of Stanford University's Forgiveness Project.

Luskin says his latest effort — training some of the sales force at Ameriprise Financial (formerly American Express Financial Advisors) how to forgive has resulted in a 25 percent increase in sales and productivity in five groups of people.

If a person always comes to work thinking "My boss is a so and so," Luskin suggests, their body is constantly gearing up to fight. Harboring these ongoing grudges at some point wears away the weakest organ system, he says.

"Forgiveness therapy cuts that off and gives a more benign take on one's life," he explained.

Steps to forgiveness


It's supposed to be healthy to forgive, but how do you do it? What does it really mean? There are many models of how to forgive. This one was developed by Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project.

• Know how you feel about what happened and then tell a couple of friends.

• Commit to do what's necessary to feel better.

• Remember forgiveness doesn't have to mean reconciliation or condoning. What you're after is peace.

• Recognize your primary distress comes from what you're feeling and thinking now, not the offense. Forgiveness helps heal those hurt feelings.

• Use stress management techniques to soothe yourself.

• Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they won't give you. But remember you can hope and work for health, love, peace and prosperity.

• Look for another way to get your goals met rather than through the experience or the person that has hurt you.

• Remember the best revenge is a life well lived. Learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.

• Stop talking about the bad things that happened and remind yourself that you've survived, grown and persevered.

The Stanford Forgiveness Project was among the largest of dozens of research studies sponsored by the Campaign for Forgiveness Research.

The $7 million, six-year effort was a major attempt to scientifically determine whether forgiveness is good for individuals' health and interpersonal relationships and also for nation-to-nation relationships. Concluded in 2003 and funded primarily by the John Templeton Foundation, the results are published on the campaign's Web site: www.forgiving.org. The foundation is now considering funding more research.

Forgiving process

There are many models of how to forgive. Luskin's appears with the first part of this story on Page L 1. After going through the steps, the forgiver should experience release and improved emotional health. It's seldom a casual or quick process. Forgiveness takes much introspection.

"Many people don't want to give up the anger," said Seattle psychiatrist Ron Sterling, recent past chairman of the King County Mental Health Advisory Board.

Resistance can be influenced by the significance of the injury, by how the person was raised, and even their temperament.

Some individuals are so reactive it's very hard for them to let go of anything.

"The minute their mind pictures something is wrong, they're in full stage alert," said Luskin.

True forgiving does not require a person to forget, pardon or reconcile, say the experts. And it's still OK to seek a fair resolution.

A model called "Radical Forgiveness" developed by the best-selling author Colin Tipping presents the idea that everything happens for a reason and the victim has the choice to learn from it and move on. Tipping's institute trains coaches to run radical forgiveness ceremonies, cathartic events based on his theories.

Donna LaRocca, an insurance-claims representative from Seattle, signed up for such a ceremony at the suggestion of a co-worker.

Twenty-four years ago, LaRocca's husband filed for divorce and left, leaving just a note in the mailbox. She carried the hurt around for years, turned to food for comfort and developed a victim mentality.

"I remember sometimes thinking: I'm never going to be happy."

LaRocca was at an all-time low when she walked into the forgiveness ceremony. She and the other participants told their stories of injury and insult, empathized over the pain and committed to make something good come from it.

Afterwards, LaRocca felt better — so much better she repeated the experience a few months later and joined a support group.

"For the first time in 20 years, I can say I'm a happy person," she said. "... I made this huge shift in my attitude and really dropped a lot of stuff. You forgive all of these things that have happened to you and stop blaming yourself."

In Malone's case it took decades and a family tragedy — though once along the way he did try to patch things up — to reach a state of forgiveness with his brother. In the end it came quickly, and they have not talked about their reconciliation since.

"We want to move on. Every day is a new day. You gotta give this stuff up," said Malone.

During his daughter Natalie's illness, his older brother talked with her briefly by phone and wrote "a heartfelt, really quite lovely letter," to the niece he'd never gotten to know.

However, despite everyone's high hopes and best efforts, Malone and his wife lost their daughter in May at age 18. Since her death, he's thought a lot about the many opportunities life presents to forgive and about how people should find a way to do it.

"We can't just continue to live in these circles of accusations and estrangements and hurt," said Malone. "That's not healthy."

Marsha King: 206-464-2232 or mking@seattletimes.com