Parenting with personality

A mom wonders what's wrong with her because she feels like her young children are "sucking the life" out of her. Another with a wide social circle worries something is wrong with her son, who has only a handful of friends.

In both cases, nothing is "wrong": It's a matter of personality.

Personality style — particularly the popular Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which divides people into 16 types — has long been used with college students (career development) and corporations (managing employees). But it's also a useful tool at home for understanding parenting, said Janet Penley, co-author of the new "MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths."

The practical, example-filled book is based on research with 600 mothers, personal interviews and the "Mothers of Many Styles" workshops Penley led for 18 years.

"Hundreds of parenting books focus on what a child needs to be nurtured," said the mom of a 25- and 22-year-old. "Very few look at what moms need."

Much parenting advice is "one size fits all," both for kids and parents, Penley said. Personality assessments don't explain everything, but they do help parents customize their strategies, she said. (Though geared to moms, Penley says about 80 percent of her characterizations also apply to dads.)

Understanding personality types can help parents in several ways, including:

Stop judging (yourself and others): On the playground or at a play date, moms see other mothers handle situations in different ways. Moms may conclude, "Either she's doing it wrong and she's a bad mother, or she's doing it right and I'm the bad mother."

But it's not an either/or, Penley insists. "Moms may approach mothering in totally different ways and still be good mothers," she said. "Each brings their natural strengths to parenting."

This also means there are no perfect mothers. "Women can't expect to be equally good at all aspects of mothering," she said. A mom who provides kids with a structured schedule will help them feel secure and safe. But the same mom may struggle to adapt to, say, a last-minute change in the carpool or not get angry at a child who balks at her timeline.

Penley finds her approach is especially affirming for moms who don't fall into common personality styles (people are not divided evenly among the 16 styles). Traditionally, an extroverted, feeling-oriented mom "personifies" motherhood; some moms may feel they don't measure up to this homey, energetic image.

Re-energize: For their kids' sake, moms often do things that don't come naturally. But done too much or for too long, it's like a right-hander using her left. Moms end up exhausted and irritated.

Penley felt compelled to participate in her extroverted son's many social activities. "It was such a drain on me, I would end up exploding," she said. "I learned I had to retreat before I reached my limit."

Recognize shortcomings and try some coping strategies, but cut yourself a break, Penley says. Most importantly, "If you learn to give yourself what you need to maintain your energy so you're not worn down, you can improve your mothering dramatically."

When Penley's children were little, her mother-in-law encouraged her to go out to lunch with friends. But Penley found she returned with just as little patience. After discovering she was introverted, she hired a baby-sitter to take the children to the park while she stayed home alone. Then it was easier to be patient and attentive.

Accept family members: Most families share some traits, but clashes and misunderstandings are common when personalities don't align.

Feeling-oriented parents, for example, may feel unloved by thinking-oriented children, who tend to show affection with respect and honest feedback instead of gushy kisses.

On each of the four personality continuums, Penley and her son are exact opposites. Understanding these differences — he wasn't just trying to bug her or push her buttons — transformed their interactions. "It was potentially a disastrous relationship," Penley said. "It took a while to get the hang of mothering him. But we turned it into something good."

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