How to control curious teen's access to porn

Q: I discovered my 14-year-old son viewing pornography on the computer. When vacuuming his bedroom, I found pornographic magazines under his bed. How should I handle this?

A: Your son's interest is not unusual for boys and girls his age.

While you can't control his interest in sexuality or his curiosity about pornography, you can control the use of the computer and what kind of magazines he brings into the family home. It's important to muster up the courage to tell your son, "It's not OK to go to pornography sites on the Internet. I can't allow it in this house." Explain that you will be checking to see that he's not violating this household rule.

If a computer with Internet service is in his bedroom, you might need to remove it and put it where you can better monitor what he's viewing. Your service provider likely has methods to block such sites from the home computer.

Also tell him you won't allow pornographic magazines in your house and, if you find them, you'll throw them out. You'll need to decide whether you'll rifle through his backpack and dresser drawer looking for them. Some parents feel perfectly justified in doing so; others allow their children the privacy of these personal spaces.

Your son's friends' parents might not be as concerned as you. It's impossible to control your son's actions outside your home. That's why it's important to protect your teen's long-term use of pornography by infusing him with your values and perspectives on the topic.

You don't want to start a tug-of-war about his ability to view pornography — if he's determined, he'll find access. Your goal is to control what comes into your home and to keep him open to your influence.

His sexual side is not going away. He needs to manage it appropriately. Therefore, you need to open up a conversation that fits with your values and that will help him develop a healthy approach to sexuality. It's important to know your child. Ask yourself, "How can I offer information without making him clam up, turn defensive or sneakier? How can I communicate so he will eventually come to me with his questions?" If you need ideas, read, "How to Talk with Teens about Love, Relationships and S-E-X: A Guide for Parents," by Amy Miron and Charles Miron (Free Spirit Publishing, $16.95).

Most likely he'll be embarrassed and hide or downplay his interest. Regardless, it's important to point out that what he sees at a pornographic Internet site or in a magazine does not depict commitment or respect between partners.

You need to tell your son of the impropriety of pornography. He is not an adult, and he should not be buying such magazines or logging onto such Internet sites. He definitely should not be taking porn magazines to school or logging onto porn Web sites at school or at a library.

Once you've asserted your position, keep a watchful eye on him and his behavior. You need to understand that although by society's standards your son is still a child, by his biological body, he's a fully developed sexual male.

You might fear that your son will become a pornography addict. While this is unlikely, if you suspect this is the case, you'll need to direct him to professional help.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists