Transforming adoption

Kenda Cook fell in love over the Internet.

Surfing the Northwest Adoption Exchange's online pictures of waiting foster children, one 8-year-old girl's "bright eyes just jumped out of the Internet at me," said the Bonney Lake single mom. Cook eventually adopted Siobhan, now 13, as well her half-brothers, Curtis, 11 and Kerry, 8.

"Through that one little Web page I have built an entire family from adoption," she noted.

For many parents, the Internet has transformed the adoption process in the past decade, turning it from "the Wild, Wild West" — in one dad's words — to one that offers easy-to-find support and resources.

Along with gains, however, come increased privacy concerns and scams. Experts say the adoption process — and increasingly empowered parents — must remain focused on the child's best interests.

"The biggest change is that 10 years ago, adoption used to all be in the hands of social workers," said Barbara Pearson, director of Seattle's Northwest Adoption Exchange. "Now families are driving a lot of the decisions."

Caseworkers still decide which family is the best fit, but parents are "more informed about the process and who the children are — and that's a good thing," Pearson said.

Research can be so quick that some adoptive parents get frustrated by delays, which caseworkers say are inherent in most adoptions, especially internationally. The Internet makes information exchange faster, but most experts say the timeline isn't necessarily shorter.

"The hardest thing for people is they want to adopt right now," said Mardie Caldwell, author of "Adoption: Your Step-by-Step Guide." "People are so used to doing that with everything now."

If anything, the process "might be more detailed now to assure that only the very best families are able to adopt," said Lillian Thogersen, acting CEO of Renton's World Association for Children & Parents.

Many adoptive parents cite the proliferation of online adoption support groups — some general (countries, single moms), some specific (particular orphanages, special needs) — as the most welcome change.

When Bill and Wendy Mudd adopted their daughter Lacey, then 3, now 13, from China in 1995, the only support came from their agency, WACAP. "We'd get our hearts set and start bonding with this little picture, then [the adoption] would fall apart," said Bill Mudd. "There was no one to turn to. There was a lot of angst and a lot of anxiety."

By the time they adopted Ricki, now 12 (followed by Rebecca, 9, from China, and Veronica, 18, and Dani Linh, 17, from Vietnam), they connected with other adoptive parents through the Internet. When China slowed adoptions for nearly a year, "the only thing that kept us going was contact with other families in the same boat," said the SeaTac dad.

Now the China Center of Adoption Affairs even hosts its own Web site. "In the old days, that was a black hole," Mudd said. "You sent information in and waited. It could be three months or a year and a half of the unknown."

The adoption of Ernie Jones' oldest daughter seven years ago was done almost entirely by e-mail from Russia, said Jones, technology chair for the national support group Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption since 1999. When his daughter wrote back, the letters arrived "in days as opposed to several weeks," he said.

Where adoptive parents used to sit in caseworkers' offices and flip through thick books with waiting children's pictures and descriptions, many profiles are now online. (Some foreign countries don't allow photo listings.)

With national exposure, "foster kids are getting placed at a higher rate in the last two to four years than ever before," Pearson said. "The Internet is a pretty big part of that."

Cook looked at 50 or 60 online profiles before lighting on Siobhan, who'd been through four disrupted placements. "There were lots of sweet kids," she said. "But something just wouldn't seem right. Then I saw her and it clicked. You don't know how to explain why, but you just know."

There's a few things the Net hasn't changed.

"The Internet is great, but nothing can beat face-to-face meeting," said Jones, whose organization includes 30 chapters. "Adopted kids feel different, but that way they can connect and bond over their common background."

And as Caldwell reminds impatient parents: "It still takes nine months to make a baby."

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com or 206-464-2091