See Jane pitch a fit over her icky gift

You've put lots of effort into buying gifts for your children, and you're expecting delight and gratitude to radiate as they open their packages.

But what if a child instead expresses disappointment or throws a temper tantrum because the doll she was expecting isn't part of her holiday stash?

One grandmother recalled the holiday when her 4-year-old granddaughter, upon opening a much-wished-for doll, expressed sincere gratitude by saying, "I tried to be good, but I didn't know I was this good."

A mother remembered her 4-year-old child tearing paper from gift after gift and not getting the doll she expected announcing with a pout and a foot stomp, "I hate everybody."

While each child's expression of emotion needs attention, it's far easier to share in the show of gratitude from the first child than to address the feelings of the second.

Let's take the first child. The grandparent expresses pleasure in her facial expression and body language that her gift exceeded her granddaughter's expectations. The child is happy with the gift — and herself — for having been good enough to receive it.

There was a time when parents would threaten that if children weren't good, they wouldn't receive presents. Most parents didn't follow through with the threat, so parents today don't take this approach. Parents give children gifts because they love them unconditionally.

Besides, putting pressure on a child to be good in order to receive a certain gift usually isn't the long-term motivation to better behavior. While it's important that parents expect appropriate behavior from their children, the holiday season is not the time to withdraw love expressed through gifts to even the most difficult child.

Now let's take the second child, who is disappointed and doesn't have the verbal sophistication to say, "I really like all of these gifts, but I'm disappointed that I didn't get the doll I expected."

Instead, she expresses her disappointment the only way she knows — by using immature language, pouting and stomping. Since it takes years before a child can recognize internal negative emotions while masking them externally from others, what would you do given this situation?

Would you ignore the child and go out the next day and buy the doll? Would you try to convince her that she has a lot of really nice presents and that she should be appreciative? Would you scold her and tell her that she's a spoiled brat? Would you send her to her bedroom and tell her not to come out until she can apologize and put on a happy face?

Likely, any of these approaches wouldn't solve the problem of learning how to graciously accept gifts. The child will only feel bad about herself not knowing how to manage the feeling of disappointment that comes with unmet expectations.

What is a better approach? Move next to the child and say, "You're disappointed that you didn't get the doll you were expecting. You wish that doll were here right now. You can be sad and mad, and I'm going to stay right here beside you as long as you feel unhappy, but it's not OK to say that you hate everyone."

Once the child feels understood, then the feeling of disappointment dissolves and the feeling of gratitude can take hold. You've expressed understanding while not condoning the hate word.

Plus, you're not going to have her behavior work for her by going out the next day to buy the desired doll (although you might give it as a birthday present).

During the next year, and in years to come, the parent will need to coach the child to accept gifts graciously. In time, a child will learn to love every gift because she loves the one who offered it.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More at www.seattletimes.com/columnists