When Shirley Yuen's daughter Kristy was 12 years old, Kristy gave her mom an opportunity rarely granted to a mother of a preteen: a peek into her diary.

What her mom read, however, was heartbreaking.

It was a cry for help.

"She revealed to me how unhappy she had been," Yuen says. "She wrote in her diary that she was depressed, angry with the world around her and, most of all, she was very angry with her mom, who never even tried to understand her."

Yuen, who also has a son, knew her faults: She was constantly criticizing and controlling her children, often losing her temper. It was enough for Kristy to pen thoughts about running away. Even suicide.

The revelation was a blow to Yuen, who for years filled her home with parenting books and attended college courses in child development.

"I was so upset. I had done so much but I fell flat on my face," Yuen says. "It helped me to discover it takes much more than just knowing all the skills and methods. We have to be in control of our own emotions."

The experience six years ago inspired Yuen to write "The Three Virtues of Effective Parenting: Lessons from Confucius on the Power of Benevolence, Wisdom and Courage" (Tuttle, $12.95).

Yuen researched and studied parenting and child development for 16 years. Her book is based on her findings, including the teachings of the Chinese philosopher Confucius.

"It blends ancient wisdom with contemporary parenting concepts to teach parents that they have to cope with their emotions before dealing with the logic of parenting," says Yuen, 52.

The virtues of benevolence, wisdom and courage are essential to creating deep and lasting bonds between parents and children, she says.

"Benevolence is the most important in parenting, so that you will be able to truly understand what's going on," Yuen says. "It helps us to stay calm and counter all these negative emotions in us, like anxiety, anger, confusion and frustration."

Wisdom enables parents to foresee the consequences of their actions in order to make the right choices, and courage helps parents to follow through and do what's right, not what feels easy, she says.

"All the virtues are interlinked," Yuen says. "We cannot pull one out."

Yuen holds workshops based on the virtues, emphasizing an approach to making important parenting decisions, especially when parents feel angry, confused or fearful. Her three-step approach is as follows: Stay calm, think rationally and act confidently.

She says listening with your heart to understand your child is crucial, and that there is nothing more valuable for a child than to understand that their parents validate their feelings.

"It's painful for me to hear parents say that they do not allow their children to express their feelings or ... even allow them to cry," says Yuen.

"After I changed myself by listening more, talking less and understanding her with my heart, it gave me so much power that it drew her closer to me," Yuen says. "It's amazing."