In parenting, children's self-esteem is inevitably linked to praise. Experts tell parents to be supportive, positive and involved — without going overboard. Unconditional love and acceptance doesn't mean unwarranted, unrestrained approval.

"Praise undermines intrinsic motivation because the more kids are rewarded to do something — even with a verbal reward — the less committed they end up to the task in its own right," said Alfie Kohn, author of "Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes."

Kids learn to rely on adult evaluations rather than forming their own judgments, he said.

Parents and teachers need to be positive and offer ways to help kids improve, rather than simply criticize or dismiss weaknesses, said retired principal Garnet Logan, a Bainbridge Island resident. "If you gush too much, kids figure, 'I must be no good if that's the best they think I can do,' " she said. On the other hand, adults often don't realize how devastating even casual negative remarks can be to children, she said.

The goal is to raise kids who can evaluate themselves and their work, acknowledge what's good and be willing to change what isn't. "You want kids who say, 'I can fix that,' versus 'This is terrible, I'm terrible and there's nothing I can do,' " Logan said.

A 2003 review of self-esteem studies concluded that "learning is most effective when one receives both praise and criticism, contingent on current performance. The praise-only regimen of the self-esteem movement is ultimately no more effective for learning than the criticism-only regimen of the previous era."

Parents concerned they overuse "good job!" can try a few alternatives offered by Kohn:

Keep your mouth shut. Let your child share their joy (or if it's not a big deal to them, move on to the next thing.) When Kohn's daughter does something new, "I want her to exclaim, 'I did it!' instead of asking me uncertainly, 'Was that good?' "

Describe what you see. A simple, nonjudgmental statement lets kids know you noticed what they did and are genuinely interested. For example: "You tied your shoes by yourself!" In a situation where a child shared or cooperated with a friend, point out the effect on the other person: "He seems happy you asked him to play with you." As Kohn notes, "this is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing."

Pose questions. Kohn relates a story from a library craft time with his kids, when another child made a snowflake out of pipe cleaners. After effusive praise from his mother, the child turned to Kohn for feedback. Kohn asked the boy if he liked his creation. Not really, the child said, and then elaborated on what he could have done differently. "We shut down their process of reflection when we just marinate children in approval," he said.

Stephanie Dunnewind, Seattle Times staff reporter