It's OK to say yes to saying no

By Sherry Stripling
Seattle Times staff reporter

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"But it's a good cause and you'd be perfect to serve on the board ... "

"If you could just work a few hours again this Saturday ... "

"I know I didn't pay you back last time but ... "

If you're trying to tip your life away from overcommitment, you can take steps to gain control. Lynne Hyerle, a Seattle psychotherapist, says it's important to start by clarifying your goals so that when someone asks "Can you do this for me?" you'll at least know if it fits in with those priorities.

If you don't know or aren't sure, buy time by saying, "Let me get back to you." Then take the time to remind yourself of your goals and intentions, she says.

We are socialized to want to please people. Women, in particular, measure their worth by how much they help, Hyerle says.

Helping can be a joyful experience, as long as you have the self confidence to also say, "This doesn't feel OK for me and so my decision is no."

How to say no You want to do the right thing. But you're not sure if you really can take on one more task. In such moments, these questions might help you make a stress-relieving decision. What benefits do you get from saying yes? What do you get to avoid by saying yes? For example, sense of guilt? Criticism from others? Make sure you say yes for the right reasons. What will you gain by saying no? Do you value this more than what you gain or avoid by saying yes? What could you say yes to if you said no more often? In other words, what are your desired priorities? What do you consistently resent saying yes to? How will you choose to react when you say no but others keep trying to get you to say yes? Source: Carolyn Fung, M.Ed., personal coach, carolynfungcoaching@hotmail.com

Here are some tips:

Practice saying no in situations that aren't as loaded with emotion or where you feel more confident. Get the feel for being assertive.

If your boss heaps more on and you feel you can't say no, present a list of what you have due and ask your boss to decide priorities.

Don't feel you have to justify why the answer is no. Practice terms that feel comfortable to you such as "I have other plans" or "I can't fit that in."

If someone persists in asking, repeat what you've said. Hyerle adds: "Name what's going on. 'What I notice I'm feeling is that you're pushing me.' "

Take a deep breath and consider your answer or buy time to think: "I'll get back to you with an answer by tomorrow morning."

Show that you're saying no to the situation, not the person, by affirming what they're trying to accomplish.

If you still feel guilty, remember, the feeling will pass.

Sources

Lynne Hyerle, psychotherapist; Carolyn Fung, personal coach; "How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty" by Connie Hatch and Patti Breitman, ($13.95, Broadway Books); Self help on "How to Say No" University of Florida Counseling Center.

Copyright © 2004 The Seattle Times Company

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