Q&A: Dating

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Thanks to all who participated!

What's the best opening line that you ladies personally have been on the receiving end of? — David, Bellingham

Lisa: Ha! I got a great one the other day as I was walking out of a concert. This guy said "Oh, you dropped something." And as I was searching the ground for my missing item, he said, "I thought you could pick me up." It was great. Gross, but super funny.

Pamela: Here's one I get all the time, and I hate it: "What does your tattoo mean?" It means, "Leave me alone."

Lisa: Hanging out with a bunch of gay guys isn't so very much different than hanging out with a bunch of your girlfriends. Only, your girlfriends don't TOTALLY RUIN YOUR GAME when you're out in public with them. I'm sure you and your best gay friend are having a wonderful dinner together, but unless he's wearing his favorite "I'm gay, She's not" T-shirt, the rest of the world is going to think you're on a date. Aside from that, keep your gay friends close and dear. There is no better judge of a straight man than a gay one.

Pamela: Oh, please. That's like saying if you hang out with your girlfriends too much you'll become a lesbian. Or something. Makes no sense. This, however, is a rule to live by: Never drop your friends (be they gay, girls or boys) for a guy.

Boo: Nikkie, this question is a classic. Regardless of the type of men you hang out with, it is confusing and intimidating to any potential date to have you surrounded by men. You don't want to hinder their approach. However, this shouldn't prevent you from enjoying time with your friends. When engaged in conversation with someone of interest, look for an opportunity to, not only express your interest, but make clear what your relationship is to those around you.

Boo: Tad, let me treat you to how my brain operates: When I first see a guy, I tend to notice their style. I like 'em goofy and mismatched. Hyper-attention to grooming is usually a warning sign -- it tells me where his priorities lie. Then, I tend to notice who he is with (is there a girl marking her territory?), and if there is a ring on his finger. Then I observe how he interact with others. Does he smile a lot? Is he animated? If I like the cut of his jib, I will flash him a grin. Be sure to look for the grin, because it's an invitation!

Pamela: I never go to Jamba Juice.

Pamela: I'm really really really bad at math.

Pamela: Nooo, I don't think there's necessarily an expectation that the amount of money you spend on a girl is directly proportional to how much you like her. But I will say that most women, whether they will admit it or not, love to be wined and dined. But the dating culture in Seattle is so casual and repressed, most guys here are too freaked out to actually take a woman out on anything resembling an actual date. So it's likely most of the women here are used to guys offering to buy them a cup of coffee or whatever.

Bottom line: If you want to spend the cash, you'll automatically make a good impression. But if you don't have it, then make yourself stand out in other ways. Act like a gentleman and make her feel like a million bucks.

Lisa: Ack! No! Any girl who equates "amount liked" with "amount spent" just so completely sucks and you should give her the boot while you have a pot to, well, you-know-what in.

Boo: Annabeth, you've seen "Something's Gotta Give," right? That movie breaks it down completely: The men date younger. The women are forced to fill their time pursuing personal interests and taking classes, becoming more well-rounded, interesting women. The men become increasingly intimidated by these women and continue to date younger. It's a vicious cycle.

But you have to have faith that there are REAL men out there who are up to the challenge of dating REAL women. I wish there was a secret location where these quality men are hiding. Just continue to live your life, being receptive to the idea of running into THE ONE when you least expect it.

Pamela: Yeah, that was a good movie. Annabeth, you might be interested in a new reality show on Fox called "Ivana Young Man," hosted by Ivana Trump and featuring a 40-something woman who chooses from 20-something men. Ha! In all seriousness, I think younger men have always found older women sexy. Just look at Ashton and Demi.

I don't think guys get all that hung-up on age. It's more about how you carry yourself and whether they find you attractive. So if you think you're hot, then it'll show and that's what gets guys every time. Don't even think about age as an obstacle, and chances are they won't either!

Pamela: Tyler, have you met Annabeth? Kidding. Well, as a gal in my late 20s, I will tell you that I usually don't date guys who are even my age — I always go older. I think a lot of women feel this way, because girls tend to mature faster than guys. Plus, a lot of women in their late 20s and early 30s are looking to find a husband and have some babies, and they tend to discount younger guys as not ready for that kind of commitment. I have a 32-year-old girlfriend who's dating a 22-year-old college senior, and she likes him, but she knows it can't "go anywhere" so she's planning to break up with him soon.

Lisa: I will not make any Ashton and Demi jokes. I will not make any Ashton and Demi jokes. OK, seriously Tyler, I don't think women that age are fundamentally opposed to dating younger men, but you're always going to come off as a puppy dog if you're not at least on par, maturity-wise, with the women you like to date. Are you attracted to older women because they tend to fit your personality better, or because you get a kick out of having your date buy you beer? Younger guys are sexy and fun, but unless you're looking to be a rent-a-booty-call, you've got to have something to offer upstairs.

Boo: Tyler, you are a dear. Here's where I'm coming from: I'm 30 years old, and I'm seriously skeptical of any man under the age of 27. I'm pretty comfortable with my life, and I know what I want. I question a younger man's ability to be serious about a relationship. There's so much that takes place in one's 20s. You're still trying to conquer the world, or at least find your place in it. Of course I'm generalizing here, but I think most older women are just looking for an equal who actually brings something to the table.

Lisa: Oh man. Weeell, it's certainly not topping the list of turn-ons, but it's not a dating death knell either. Really, it all comes down to how a guy is rockin' the look, because everyone has some physical thing they're self-conscious about. It's a little bit painful when a thinning guy is in denial (I have a friend who calls the comb-over 'the eyelash'), so either wear it proud and make jokes, or beat time to the punch and shave it off. Then no one has to know that your coiffure is by necessity and not choice.

Pamela: If your hair is thinning, rock the bald head.

Boo: Dennis, I am a huge appreciator of The Shy Guy. I find that shy guys are more honest, and not trying to impress me with a steaming pile of ego. Just be as brave as you can. A girl who has her eyes open will find your efforts genuine and endearing.

Lisa: Depends on what kind of gal you're going for. I've found that shy guys tend to go for the real outgoing girls because they're easiest to spot. But the tube-top-wearing, life-of-the-party gal flirting for her Grape Nehi is not going to appreciate your charms. Hold out for a girl who's patient enough to get through to you - maybe even shy herself - and it's just so much better that way.

Lisa: Um, here's a page out of the "She's just not into you" school of thinking. If someone likes you, they want to kiss you. They'll be waiting, pining, dying for an opportunity to exchange saliva with you, and when the smallest sliver of a moment presents itself, they'll take it. So these girls are either pathologically timid, or - I hate to say it - just not that into you. Your two-date rule is right on, leaving ample time for a busted move, or a strategic time to make your graceful exit.

Pamela: I disagree. Hard-and-fast rules leave no room for gray areas, and we women are always complicated. You're gonna peace out on a girl after a second date?! Have you tried to kiss her or are you waiting for her to make the first move? If you lean in and she gives you the cheek, then OK, maybe you're right. But if you're getting antsy but not doing anything about it, how do you know she's not doing the same? Maybe she's an old-fashioned girl. But if she's interested, you should be able to tell, whether or not it's in her kiss. Boys are so impatient.

Pamela: Cut it out, J.J.

Pamela: Happy birthday! I know you're in college but since you're officially going to be a grown-up, ditch the frat-boy scene at college bars for a weekend and hit Belltown. We had lots of fun at Frontier Room, which is a scene that must be experienced at least once. And while you're in the neighborhood, stop by See Sound Lounge. It's fairly new and has a swanky, crazy-sexy-cool vibe atypical of most Seattle bars. But wherever you go, please consider these tips: If you're planning to get drunk, have a designated friend to watch your purse. Otherwise it will likely be lost by the end of the night. When you go to the bathroom, make sure to zip your purse so your cell phone doesn't fall into the toilet. I've done this and it's not pretty. Most importantly, I know it's your special day, but avoid any temptation to wear a tiara, feather boa or anything else that screams "bachelorette" or "amateur."

Lisa: Oooo. This is a fun one, but my dear Megan, you simply should have given us more detail. Where you go rests entirely on what you're into. For example, you will never catch me at a clubby club where people are taking body shots and barfing on the floor. OK, that's a total lie. But if given my druthers, you'll find me sipping my Pabst in a dingy corner somewhere, and much the happier for it.

As for the bar etiquette, there is a set of unspoken rules that we can whisper in your ear. 1) Decide what you're ordering before it's your turn. No one wants to hear you hemming and hawing and asking for a list of all the house vodkas when they're standing behind you, money in hand. At first, you won't have the hefty drink repertoire that the rest of us have built up, so pick a few fun drinks that you like and stick to them for awhile. May I suggest a Tom Collins, which I cut my teeth on. 2) Do not wave your arms wildly or grab the bartender's elbow or otherwise emulate the person in high school who reeeeally knew the answer. Simply wait til you've secured a spot at the bar, make sure your money is visible so he/she knows you're waiting, and pay attention for the so-what-do-you-want glance. 3) The tipping rule is a dollar a drink. Unless you like a whole lotta ice cubes in your drink.

Lisa: Sigh. It will be fine day when people stop asking this perennial question. Yes. You've discovered the Seattle freeze. Not mean, but not nice. Here's the deal. Most people come to Seattle and never leave, thus, we all have our little friends that we've had for about a million years and aren't necessarily looking for any more. I know. Unfair. But true.

So I'm sorry to have to say it, but you're going to have to find youself a clique. Perhaps you have the good fortune of knowing a group of other newbies who can be your pals, or at least your transitionary pals. Better yet, start chatting up the person you have a friend-crush on and start making plans. You're going to have to be That Girl, but it's the only way. And to the rest of us: We all remember being the new kid in town, so throw these guys a frickin' bone here and try to be nice. Invite the new girl to your BBQ, or out to drinks with your friends. It's not like you have to be braiding each other's hair or something.

Pamela: Exactly. What I hear most often is that people here are polite but not friendly. You can strike up a conversation, but good luck trying to see them again. Lisa grew up here, but as an outsider, I welcome you and others like you who I hope will join me in my quest to effect change in Seattle's collective lack of social skills. What's worked for me is just refusing to give in to the hype. Fine, everyone here whines about how hard it is to meet people and then after a while they just shut up and become part of the culture. Don't do it! Go ahead and act like you're still in Cali. There are LOTS of other transplants out there who feel the same way you do. The whole point of "Social Studies" is to remind people that, hey, we know how to do this. We learned it in school.

Lisa: Wow. Sounds like you've really got something special there, ROLAND. And there's no time like the present when you've got a love that strong, and that invisible. Pop the question now, and start planning post-haste. Might I suggest a lovely summer wedding in the land of Honah Lee? She can wear a dress made of mermaid scales, and you can ride to the altar on unicorns.

Pamela: I'm glad to see someone in this town still has a sense of humor about all this...

Pamela: Hands-down, GUYS. It's the guy's job to put himself out there, and the girl's job to shoot him down. And from what we hear, women in Seattle are pretty cold. And frankly, they're not even all that! Where is the love?

Lisa: Guys. 'Cause they're the ones who're "supposed" to take the initiative, and we all know guys can't do anything without a girl telling him to do it.

Boo Davis: Jesse, I think about this question more than I should. And here's the definitive answer: Girls have it worse. Despite the control women have gained over the past decades — the ball remains in the guy's court. Damn that ball to hell.

Pamela: Are you kidding? You're dating In Love With Love Guy. It's a condition most commonly found in women, but occasionally crops up in a man. It sounds like you've tried being direct, which is key. A lot of women don't want to hurt a guy's feelings so they tend to be vague, but subtlety is lost on most men. If you've really told him in no uncertain terms that it's over and thrown in, "Stop calling me!" for good measure, then cut him off immediately and wait it out till he finally gets it (or finds some other poor woman to glom onto). I'd also advise changing your number if you can; it sounds like you have a stalker on your hands!

Lisa: Holy restraining order, Batman. They make movies out of stuff like this. If this were me - and I'm glad it's not - I'd lie. Say you've found someone new and he's great. And a black belt. Or an ex-con. Or a body double for Triple H. It sounds like a weenie move, but it's better than hiring a a friend to screen your calls.

Lisa: Well, I'd start by putting away the flashcards. Rehearsed lines are just that, and a gal can spot those even faster than she can see the white socks you've paired with your going-out shoes. But here's a great tactic: Look around you. Doesn't matter where you are, there is surely someone making an ass of themselves or just being plain old weird, and you, my friend, should point it out. Lose the 'come here often' stuff and direct the conversation away from the both of you, thereby taking the pressure off and giving you some comfortable common ground for work with.

Pamela: Depends on where you are, of course. But as a general rule, just talking to a girl like she has a brain can go a long way. We love the witty remark (appropriate to whatever situation you're in). Drop it and see if she picks it up. Just don't open with an obvious pick-up line. Girls can see right through it and will discard you immediately.

Pamela Sitt: How they dress? We wish! Good style is definitely a plus, but being sartorially challenged is not necessarily a deal-breaker -- it can't be in Seattle or we would never get anywhere. (Besides, we can get into your closet and fix you up soon enough.)

I'd say not being sloppy drunk instantly puts you ahead of the other belligerent louts in the bar. Most guys seem to need liquid courage before they can approach a girl, and that's an immediate turn-off. Contrary to popular belief, most girls aren't into macho playboys. Just be normal. Don't try so hard. It seems so simple, but so many guys don't seem to get it.

Lisa Heyamoto: I have to say I will always and forever pass up a guy with long hair. Blech.

The intrigue starts with the way they're carrying themselves. Confident, but not cocky, and looking like he's got a sense of humor about the whole on-the-prowl thing. I want a guy to look like he's got a witty observation brewing, and then deliver.