Etiquette tips for the 21st century

By Tina Daunt
Los Angeles Times

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The new etiquette books on the market deal with some issues their predecessors never had to, such as e-mail and cellphone manners; they also update the advice for common social settings.

Here's a sampling of some of the advice:

Cellphones

According to Peggy Post, cellphone etiquette is still evolving and, like most manners, it's situational.

"No matter where you make or take a call — in an airport waiting area, a theater, a meeting room, a train or bus or a house of worship — virtually all situations call for you to avoid being intrusive, especially in public places," she writes in her new book, "Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition," due out in October.

She also suggests that people turn off their phones in restaurants and not make calls at the table. "If you must call, excuse yourself and go to the vestibule or outside."

Other cellphone tips:

• Speak as quietly as you can.

• Turn off the ringer. Switch to the vibrating mode and check your caller ID or get your messages via voicemail.
 
• Keep calls as short as possible; the longer the call, the greater the irritation to those who are forced to listen.

E-mail etiquette

Charlotte Ford suggests in her book, "21st Century Etiquette," that people watch their tone when sending e-mails.

"Keep aware that, particularly with someone you don't interact with regularly, tone can easily be misinterpreted over e-mail," Ford writes. "Without the receiver's ability to identify the inflection of your voice, facial expressions or body language, messages have a greater chance of being questioned and overanalyzed."

Other no-nos, according to Ford:

• Don't continue to e-mail a person who has not replied to a previous message.

• Don't gossip (especially about the boss).

• Don't pass along off-color jokes or offensive language.

• Don't abuse personal e-mailing.

• Don't feel obligated to open "junk" e-mail.

• Don't use e-mail to discuss personal or interoffice complaints.

Smoking, then and now

According to the 1941 book, "New American Etiquette," nonsmokers were told that they must learn to put up gracefully with those who smoke, "otherwise they must retire from social activities."

"Smokers far outnumber nonsmokers in every type of community, in every class of society and in both sexes," according to the book. "The young man or young woman who does not smoke is a rarity. ... If (a hostess) will not let her guest smoke in whatever part of the house they happen to be in, she will not have many guests — either men or women."

In today's etiquette books, smokers are told that the once rhetorical question "Do you mind if I smoke?" is a requirement, not a polite gesture, especially since laws give the nonsmoker more rights than the smoker.

"Smokers should be accustomed to having a cigarette only in designated smoking zones," according to Charlotte Ford. "However, smokers should not submit to the righteous harangue of a smugly superior nonsmoker if the smoker is in a legally permitted place."

Etiquette Grrls Lesley Carlin and Honore McDonough Ervin, authors of "Things You Need to Be Told," believe that smokers should be allowed to light up at parties. "Many people feel that drinking and smoking go hand-in-hand, and if they are not permitted to smoke, they are unlikely to stay at your party for a very long time."