Readers sing chorus of Seattle dating blues

By Diane Mapes
Special to The Seattle Times

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Related stories Archive: What does a single in Seattle have to do for a date? Other links Transcript of live Q&A on Seattle's dating scene Talk about it

My goodness, what a can of worms this dating thing has turned out to be. Do the girls have it bad? Or do the guys have it worse? Or is it our gay friends who are truly suffering here?

Well, apparently, we're all equally miserable — men, women, gay, straight — everybody's got the Seattle dating blues.

Since the "Dating Blues" article ran in Northwest Life section June 8, we've received hundreds of e-mails — and not one from a happy Seattle single (surely somebody's dating out there?).

There were a few happy marrieds, of course, but most of them were just happy they weren't single anymore. It's enough to make an Emerald City single pack up and move to Kansas. Consider: "I'm a single guy, 36, Seattle native, college-educated, articulate, look completely normal (I think), and yes, a Microsoftie (though not of the geek kind). I'm also pretty damned funny. And humble. Seriously. And I can't find a date."

Or this: "I'm 45 with two college degrees, financially secure, raised with good manners, polite. I'm well read (in English, French and Spanish), inquisitive, adventurous, charming and handsome (I'm told). Yet, I am single and have been single for most of the time I have been in Seattle."

Or this: "I am from California and have been here for 8 years. And for 8 years my dating life has been in a huge slump. My single friends and I discuss it often. We are attractive, successful, fun, outgoing, and no one asks us out anywhere. So frustrating!"

The blame game

According to a handful of guys, the reason Seattle women aren't being asked out is because they wear too much black. Also, they don't wear enough makeup. They're out of shape and snooty. They don't smile, and they wear the wrong shoes (heels, ladies, heels!). They're money-grubbing wretches with hearts of ice. And drum roll, please, they have careers.

But wait, there's more. The men in Seattle are passive, a few of the girls assure me, or worse yet, they're passive-aggressive. They're wishy-washy wimps who look a lot like Shaggy on "Scooby-Doo." They're scared. And they're totally fixated on a woman's appearance (see comment above).

I'm starting to feel like the therapist at the world's largest couples' session. And considering the mud that's being flung between these two camps, it's a miracle that any of these people even want to date. (For more reactions, see the transcript of last Friday's live Q&A session, as well as the ongoing dating forum, at www.seattletimes.com/living.)
 
Except that's all they can think about. Because right along with the diatribes and baffled accounts of decadeslong dry spells, we received a few polite requests. "One of the sources in your article intrigued me," one man wrote. "This woman sounds like a 'mirror image' of me. Is she still single? How can I meet her?"

"Given that Seattle women complain that Seattle men are not 'forward enough,' " another fellow ventured, "do you know of any single, intelligent, adventurous women who might be interested in someone like me?" Pretty bold gestures for a couple of "spineless" men.

Who's on first?

Yes, dating is a complex can of worms, indeed.

The simplest of gestures — taking a woman to dinner, buying a man a drink — can become rife with political, sexual and socio-economic ramifications, particularly when the check comes 'round. Who asks for the date? Who pays for the bill? These days, it's anybody's guess.

"It seems like there's a little bit of a stalemate going on," said Katie Kurtz, who blew the whistle on Seattle's dating doldrums. "The guys are feeling like women are empowered enough to do the asking. They're like, 'Yeah, I'd like to be asked out.' And the women are still looking for the old-fashioned chivalry, thinking, 'I'd like to be asked out.' So nobody is asking anybody out."

Unfortunately for all of us — gay, straight and everything in between — not only do we not know how to ask each other out, we don't know how to turn each other down, send a successful signal of interest, return a phone call, get through a first date without bringing up that rat bastard ex-boy-/girlfriend, enjoy a flirtation without assuming it's going to lead to something deep or, even, for the love of Mike, make three whole seconds of eye contact.

And naturally since we're living in Seattle (Please Check Your Candor at the City Limits!), both sides have been far too polite to say anything about it — until now.

Signs of hope (for real)

It would seem Seattle singles have finally started to talk. In post after post on the Dating Blues forum, they're sharing war stories, trade secrets, tragedies, triumphs and fears without turning the whole discussion into an episode of "Survivor." And amid the condemnation, the commiseration and the occasional midnight confession, there have been a few tentative connections, offering us all a bit of hope.

"Scott, I really enjoyed reading your response. You definitely brought up a lot of valid points maybe we can correspond by e-mail and if we both agree, we could eventually meet — Tracy."

Like a rare desert rose, it seems romance still blooms in Seattle. It may be buried beneath layers of distrust and disingenuousness and the detritus of relationships gone awry. It may be distracted by piles of paperwork and the occasional snow-capped peak. But it's there. Waiting, perhaps, for all that caffeine to wear off.

Will Scott and Tracy meet? Will the grocery-store guy ever go out with Jenn? Will any of us learn how to just relax and have a little fun Out There? For the latest developments, check out the online forum, our own version of reality TV dating.

Opening the floodgates

From tips on places to meet women and men to testimonials on the joys of contra dancing (check out www.seattledance.org/), to a round of props for a woman who did the deed and asked a guy out ("Much respect to you for stepping up to the plate, I wish more women would do this."), the letters are pouring in.

"Women here don't know how to flirt," Chris' post begins. "You have to give me obvious signs that you're interested and men will jump on the bait. If you can't keep eye contact for more than two seconds and don't know how to smile, then don't complain about your lonely nights."

"I've had a terrible time dating in Seattle," writes Stellar "The river is DRY! What strange vibes are we Seattle women sending out? Why are all the men in hiding?"

"I abhor being single" adds Jamie. "Particularly when it's Sunday which I refer to as Couples Day. ... I know I'm not an eyesore by any means. But still, dateless."

Clearly, we've touched a nerve. So stay tuned for more stories in Northwest Life on the pitfalls and payoffs of the Seattle singles scene, stories on the shifting rules and roles of courtship and uncovering the strategies for dating success.

And seattletimes.com will continue the online discussion site, offering, as one Seattle single put it "a great forum for at least a more open dialogue among singles. [They] may be snarky, somewhat truthful comments, but at least they're made to each other. It's a step in the right direction."

A baby step, perhaps, but in no time at all, Seattle, we'll be dancing.

Diane Mapes: dimapes@nwlink.com