Tips for dividing chores equitably

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For moms

• Compromise on standards of cleanliness. You think the bathroom should be cleaned weekly; your husband thinks monthly is fine. Agree the standard is every two weeks and work out an arrangement so this gets done.

• Don't give dads a prescription of what to do with kids. "Men tell me they don't want to be bossed by their wife," said Robert Frank, author of "Parenting Partners: How to Encourage Dads to Participate in the Daily Lives of Their Children." "Just remember: Kids always come home alive after Saturday with Dad."

• Let go of the idea only mom can "do it right." "When men were in college, they had to do their own laundry and feed themselves, right?" Frank says.

• Support and encourage fathers' involvement with children and household tasks. Don't undermine it with criticism. Likewise, don't delegate or oversee. Then he's back in "help" mode, waiting for you to tell him what to do.

• Don't feel guilty for wanting to share responsibilities. "Parenting with an equal partner is a reasonable and fair expectation — not a prize granted only to certain winners," Frank writes.

• Do dad a favor by including him. Keeping all the chores for yourself "is a terrible habit that robs husbands of the chance to participate fully in family life," writes Carin Rubenstein in "The Sacrificial Mother."

• Let go of the "princess package," advises Karen Bouris, author of "Just Kiss Me and Tell Me You Did the Laundry." If moms want dads to share more, they need to be willing to take the smaller house or car so dads can cut back on work hours.

• Drop the "men can't multitask" excuse. "Men manage to do multiple things at work and on the sports field," Bouris said. "Women shouldn't let men off the hook: 'Oh, he can't watch the children and clean the kitchen.' "

• Let dads make mistakes. "If I try to give my husband a lesson, he gets defensive," Bouris said. "But later he'll let me know when he's ready for me to pass on what I've learned."
 
• Be clear that change — be it returning to work, upping your hours or pursuing a passion — requires adjustment for the entire household. Otherwise, it's status quo, with you struggling to do the same household chores in fewer hours.

• Set specific goals. For example, dad works out during lunch, then returns home by 6 p.m. two nights a week so you can exercise.

• Value your goals, passions and work — whether it's paid or not — and insist your partner does too.

• Most dads who are primary caretakers still keep work contacts and make time for exercise and outings with friends. So can moms. "Women are trained to take care of themselves last," Frank said. "But that makes you an unhappy person. It's positive to take care of yourself and that's how moms have to look at it."

For dads

• Make parenting a partnership right from the start. Dads can attend prenatal doctor's visits, change diapers, give bottles, take care of the baby alone.

• Don't divide chores based on who does them best. Busy families often fall back on gender roles to save time, but after some practice, anyone can become skilled at cleaning toilets or mopping floors.

• Don't "help." " 'Helping' implies it's just a sidebar to what really goes on," said Frank. "It should just be whoever is there does what needs to be done."

• Make your involvement a long-term, daily solution; a mom's weekend away once is not enough.

• Don't figure that because you do more than some other dads, there's no room for improvement. "If you judge your involvement based on your own family (and) your own children's needs ... you may find that you could be doing quite a bit more," Frank writes.

• Pay attention to subtle divisions of work. For example: At a restaurant, who does a distracting baby/toddler/child sit next to? Who gets up 20 times during dinner? Who makes sure school forms are signed? These often don't get tallied with more obvious chores.

• A "fair" division of chores does not mean 50-50 in most cases. "A good goal is achieving a logical, balanced use of both parents' available time and an equitable compromise of personal preferences," Frank writes.

• Take turns being the "on-call" parent, even if one parent only does it on the weekend.

Another option

Kathy Fitzgerald Sherman offers an alternative strategy in her book, "A Housekeeper is Cheaper Than a Divorce: Why You Can Afford to Hire Help and How to Get It." Instead of delegating child care — most moms want to spend more time with their kids — she suggests hiring a part-time housekeeper to clean, do laundry, cook, shop and do simple errands.

Families can balance the cost by saving on restaurant bills and pursuing work goals, but the main payoff is gaining time: quality family time, relaxed leisure time and positive couple time without fights over chores, Sherman notes.

"Household help is not a luxury," she argues. "It is a service that enhances the quality of life."