How can moms and dads achieve equality at home?

By Stephanie Dunnewind
Seattle Times staff reporter

MICHELLE KUMATA / THE SEATTLE TIMES

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For many moms, Mother's Day serves as a reminder that except for this one day, "homemaking" remains primarily a female domain, even as dads increase their involvement with children and household chores. In many families, shared responsibility is more an ideal than reality, with chores ranking with money as top topics for fights.

Compared with 1977, dads now contribute 42 minutes more on weekday chores, while moms cut back that same amount, according to a 2002 survey by the Families and Work Institute.

But even in dual-income households, moms handle three-quarters of the load, said Karen Bouris, author of "Just Kiss Me and Tell Me You Did the Laundry: How to Negotiate Equal Roles for Husband and Wife in Parenting, Career and Home Life." "That's better than when they handled 100 percent, but there's still an inequity there."

Seven out of 10 married parents believe child care should be shared equally, but two-thirds of the moms said they mainly cared for children, according to a study published in Sex Roles: A Journal of Research in 2002. Another study in a 2000 edition of Social Forces noted that more men cook now but concluded that "women continue to spend about three to seven times as many hours as men on cleaning and laundry tasks."

When family therapist Robert Frank researched stay-at-home dads, he found working wives walked in and helped with dinner, baths and bedtime. "Why do dads feel they can come home and not do anything because they've been at work all day?" asked the author of "Parenting Partners: How to Encourage Dads to Participate in the Daily Lives of their Children."

The general answer: Moms feel guilty and want to spend time with their kids; dads are content to let someone else to do the work, said Frank, a former stay-at-home dad whose children are 15 and 16.

In most families, moms not only spend more time but also do the constant work of home life — cooking, cleaning, laundry — while dads do occasional tasks such as yard work or taking out the garbage. Additionally, many moms get all the mental accountability — knowing when the diapers will run out, scheduling doctor's appointments, arranging carpool for soccer practice.

Women compare themselves with their mothers, who likely spent more time cooking and cleaning, and feel like they should do more, Bouris said. When men compare themselves with their fathers, they're thinking, " 'Why is my wife so upset? I'm doing such a better job than my dad,' " Bouris said.

Couples need to make conscious choices about what's best for their family rather than fall into easy gender roles, Bouris advised. Many new moms are as clueless as dads with newborns but learn through "on-the-job training," said Frank. So can fathers: "I have a Ph.D. in educational psychology and people still assume my wife knows more about kids. No research indicates that dads can't be as nurturing as moms can."

But it can be as difficult to convince moms of that as dads, experts say. "Sacrificial mothers feel almost noble about the inequitable nature of their household duties," writes Carin Rubenstein in "The Sacrificial Mother: Escaping the Trap of Self-Denial." "They take ... pride in how much more they do, believing it makes them better mothers and wives and superior women. But they're wrong."

Bouris calls this tendency "the inner mother martyr" and says it's almost a badge of honor at moms groups to top each others' stories about being tired.

"Why are we bragging about this?" Bouris said. "It's important to be a good model for our kids, that they have a mother who values herself enough to take care of herself."

Cate and Kevin Oyama, Seattle parents of Nora, 5, and Lily, 19 months, "flip-flopped" many traditional duties. She works full-time and often travels for work, while Kevin is a part-time personal trainer and self-described "clean freak" who does much of the housework and daytime child care.

But Cate cooks dinner most nights and on weekends the family sticks together, even if it's running errands or grocery shopping. "When the four of us are together, it's not a question of 'Who's parenting?' or 'Who's responsible?' " Cate said. "I've got one girl and he's got the other or we're both paying attention to both of them."

The couple's relationship differs in key aspects from the standard stay-at-home/working parent division. One, where men might take the housework for granted, Cate knows her husband is "exceptional." And two, they regularly evaluate, negotiate and compromise.

Lastly, "we let each other know what's up and if there's anything we can do to cover for one another," Kevin said.

Friends and relatives are in more traditional relationships where "it seems like the scales are so tipped," Cate said. "These moms are also working but all the parenting and about 90 percent of the household chores fall on them.

"Moms I know are exhausted and overwhelmed because they don't have support. Just to get through the day, they feel like they're always being the bad guy. And when they get tired of nagging about it, they just do it all by themselves. It's a no-win for anyone."

Though it's usually mom who pushes for change, experts say couples who work out balanced arrangements will find numerous benefits: an improved marriage, a closer bond between dad and kids, and kids who are comfortable turning to mom or dad.

Cate says she's willing to trade the stress of being the family's breadwinner for a husband "with a different understanding of how things get done." Their daughters will learn skills for cooperative relationships with future husbands.

"Women can have it all," Cate said. "We just need a partner who wants to have it all, too."

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com.

Copyright © 2004 The Seattle Times Company

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