Stepparenting challenges, and how to deal with them

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Experts offer these parenting tips specifically for stepparents.

Stepping into the role

• Discuss a stepparent's role before marriage. Some new partners have no interest in parenting, while the biological parent is expecting more help. "It's important that both partners know what they're signing on to," said Barbara Perlmutter of Seattle's Stepfamily Consultation & Counseling. Likewise, stepparents should be aware parenting arrangements can change, with weekend visits becoming full-time custody.

• Don't rush bonding. Research suggests it can take four to seven years for stepfamilies to connect. "Making a stepfamily is a process," said Elizabeth Einstein, marriage and family therapist. "It's not an event, like a wedding."

• Find a unique way to connect with stepchildren so you're not competing with parents. For example, if a stepson goes to ball games with his dad, try woodworking or gardening instead. "Give yourself time to create positive shared memories," said Debra DeJong, a Redmond-based licensed marriage and family therapist.

• Talk openly about children's anger, guilt, fear, resentment and sadness over changes in their lives. "A parent's remarriage is a major transition for kids," said Einstein. "Any unresolved grief is going to get expressed as anger.

• "Don't try to put a stepfamily peg into a nuclear family hole," said Jann Blackstone-Ford , director of Bonus Families, a nonprofit that encourages peaceful coexistence between divorced parents and their new families.

• Don't take it personally. It helped Marion Folkemer, whose fiancé has three daughters, ages 15, 13 and 10, to understand that developmentally, adolescents strive for independence. "They don't want more parents, they want less parents," she said.

• Take care of yourself and seek support. Dealing with negative stepkids "can make you wonder, 'Am I really this bad of a person?' " Folkemer said. "It's easy to lose perspective."

Discipline
 
• If the parent is present, he or she should enforce rules. Before leaving children alone with a stepparent, a parent needs to clearly transfer authority in front of the children. For example: "When I'm not here, Bob will enforce the rules." Then lay out the consequences if rules are broken.

• Set house rules for safety and courtesy. Then a stepparent is enforcing, not creating policy: "In this house, it's been decided that ... "

• Treat a stepchild's rudeness as an issue of courtesy. For example: "If somebody wants me to drive him somewhere, I'm more likely to do it if I'm asked nicely."

• Parent and stepparent must present a united front. "Work out differences behind closed doors," Perlmutter advised. Otherwise, parents risk undermining a stepparent's already tenuous authority.

• If parents want to accommodate different styles, make gradual changes. Don't overhaul existing rules suddenly.

• Consider whether a larger issue is behind a child's misbehavior. If he's acting out because of hurt or anger, discipline isn't likely to work until that issue is addressed.

• Set up a procedure for dealing with family conflicts, such as calling a family meeting. "What happens if you don't is the biological child goes to the biological parent and says, 'This is what the stepparent did.' Then the parent runs defense and the bonus parent gets really put off: 'You're siding with your child against me,' " said Blackstone-Ford, a mother of two and bonus mom to two.

• In a blended family, don't tell kids, "I love you all the same" when they ask "Who do you love more?" Instead, list all the reasons you love them as an individual, Blackstone-Ford advises.

Dealing with parents

• Don't criticize a biological parent — ever. "They'll just end up defending their parent and rebelling against you," DeJong said. This is true even if the biological parent is a flake, Blackstone-Ford agrees. "Kids always identify with their biological parent."

• Work out a stepparent's role within the extended family. Blackstone-Ford, for example, helped her stepchildren with school reports, while their mom did all the doctor and hair appointments.

• Encourage young children to invent a special nickname for a stepparent if both parents are involved. When Blackstone-Ford's then-3-year-old stepson called her Mom, her husband's ex-wife protested. "She said, 'I've given up a lot in this divorce, but I'm not giving up my title as Mom,' " Blackstone-Ford said. (He ended up calling her "Janna"; others do names such as Nene or Baba.) However, stepparents should expect children to switch to first names when they reach 10 or 11 and feel nicknames are too babyish.

• Ask the children's mom what she would do if you're unsure how to act with children in a particular situation. "Many bonus moms are afraid to do this because they feel it gives their control over to the very person they are struggling with for power," the Bonus Family Web site notes. "The truth is, if you ask for help, most of the time you get it, and respect, as well."

— Stephanie Dunnewind, Seattle Times reporter

Copyright © 2004 The Seattle Times Company