Watch your stepparenting: Adults, kids must respect each other

By Stephanie Dunnewind
Seattle Times staff reporter

	MICHELLE KUMATA / THE SEATTLE TIMES
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"Without a doubt, dealing with discipline is the biggest issue for stepfamilies," said Elizabeth Einstein, a marriage and family therapist who lectures nationally on stepfamily issues.

Stepparents expect authority as an adult and the loved one of the children's parent, and the biological parent is often happy to share the load. But children may feel no emotional bond with this intimate stranger.

Thus, a negative cycle begins: "The stepparent steps in too quickly to take a parental discipline role," said Debra DeJong, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Redmond who specializes in stepfamilies. "This builds resentment and rebellion in the kids, which causes the stepparent to be bewildered and angry. And the biological parent is caught in the middle."

Or stepparents make the mistake she did, which was try to be "superparent" to her stepchildren as well as her own four kids. "I wanted to show them I was a wonderful mom who could offer all these things," DeJong said. "It was too much, too soon. I didn't understand my stepchildren were dealing with so much loss, I really had to take it slow."

An estimated two-thirds of remarriages involve children from a prior marriage. The 2000 Census found nearly 7 percent of households with kids included stepchildren, totaling about 3.1 million families. Nearly 4 percent combined biological children and stepchildren, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

However, advocates say the true number of stepfamilies is higher, since the Census only asks about children of the householder living in the home at the time of the census. The 2003 Census report theorizes its figures may reflect about two-thirds of children who live with at least one stepparent. (A smaller 1996 U.S. survey found 4.9 million stepchildren, compared with the Census' 3.3 million.)

"If remarried parents expect it's going to be like a first-time family, they're totally setting themselves up for failure," said Barbara Perlmutter, who leads stepmother support groups as part of Stepfamily Consultation & Counseling in Seattle. "They're embarking on something very different."

Too often, "people spend more time planning their wedding than on preparing to be a stepfamily," Einstein said. Families are often hit with conflict over issues both major and minor. A stepdad thinks his new wife is too lenient and overindulges her kids — but the kids don't like him butting in. A stepmom resents her new husband's children taking over her house every other weekend, messing with her stuff. Children may feel displaced when a new wife gets the prime front seat next to dad in the car.

Even if the adults dated for a long period, both stepparent and children may be shocked by the changes after a couple moves in together or gets married. Just like a partner's quirks turn from charming to annoying, so too, do kids' antics, such as walking into the bedroom without knocking.

Stepparents may find most of their friendly overtures rebuffed. Perlmutter's stepdaughter refused to eat a single thing she cooked for nine years.
 
"All the research shows that most children over age 9 are not in the market for another parent," said Perlmutter, a stepmother of three. "They're reluctant to confer parental status."

If both biological parents are involved, stepparents shouldn't try to fill that role. "I never call a stepparent a parent; I refer to them as a 'parent figure,' " said Jann Blackstone-Ford, a California-based divorce and stepfamily mediator.

Without the shared experiences of a child's entire life, it's easy for stepparents to focus only on their misbehavior, DeJong noted. Stepparents might also feel guilty because they don't immediately love their stepchildren or vice versus.

"When children hang on to their anger and sadness after a divorce, guess who they are going to dump it on — the new stepparent," said Einstein, a two-time stepmom and author of stepfamily books.

Despite all the struggles, however, stepparents say families will find rewards as well.

DeJong joined her four children with her husband's three when they married more than 20 years ago. The first years were "very rocky," she said. "Many times I thought we wouldn't make it."

Now a casual observer couldn't tell "whose kids are who," she said. The family, which includes three grandchildren, gets together about once a month.

Andrea Moore, who has a 9-year-old stepdaughter, married her husband last summer after a 5-year courtship. The Edmonds resident understood her stepdaughter's anger and jealousy because she remembers feeling the same way at age 14 when her mother remarried and "a strange man was living in my house."

Now Moore is the interloper — her stepdaughter threw a tantrum when Moore was packing her stuff to move in with her then-fiancé — but she's trying to give her stepdaughter time to gain her trust.

"I'll never be her mom, but I have this little person in my life who gives me hugs and counts on me," she said. It's challenging, but her stepdaughter "adds to our lives and brings a lot of joy to our house, to our family.

"I look at my stepfather and I can't imagine him not being in my life. It just wouldn't be complete without him," Moore said. "I hope someday my stepdaughter will look at me like that and think, 'I just couldn't imagine my life without Andrea.' "

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com.

Copyright © 2004 The Seattle Times Company