Dating and the single parent

By Stephanie Dunnewind
Seattle Times staff reporter

	KIRK LYTTLE / KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
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"This is getting pathetic. I'm either with my children or my parents," the divorced mom of two said, according to Us magazine.

Kidman's situation highlights the challenges faced by all single parents who try to fit romance into their busy, demanding lives.

"Single parents have a right to go out there and satisfy their emotional and physical needs," said Meg Schneider, co-author of "Sex & the Single Parent: A Guide for Parents Who Find Themselves Back in the Dating Game." "But it has to be balanced with the needs of their children, which are often in direct opposition."

While single parents see dating as an antidote to isolation and loneliness, their kids may feel threatened and left out, said Schneider, a divorced mom of two boys.

More than 1 in 5 Washington children live in single-parent households, according to the 2000 census. That jumps to 45 percent for African-American children. Most live with single moms, though the percentage of single dads is growing.

Any single person knows how difficult it can be to find a decent date, much less a lifelong partner. Single parents deal with additional barriers, such as only being available every other weekend (when the kids stay with the other parent), feeling all their emotional energy drained by child-rearing and having to cancel at the last minute when a baby-sitter (or the other parent) flakes out.

"It's a lot more of a juggling act," said Marcia Newman, a Bellevue mother of two sons, 18 and 12. She waited three years after her divorce before dating and scheduled dates on weekends when her sons were at their father's.

"Kids get used to parents being there just with them," she said. "But I wanted them to see me as a parent with a life of her own too."

Seeking other single parents

Many single parents gravitate toward other single parents, unless they're still quite young, said Dennis Schwindt, public relations director for the Eastside chapter of Parents Without Partners.
 
"Older singles often don't understand the sharing that needs to be done when you have children," said Schwindt, who had custody of his three sons (now grown).

"They're used to dating unencumbered and don't understand when you call and say, 'My kid made the next round in the soccer playoffs. I can't go out because I need to drive him down to Portland.'

"People who both have kids understand the issues involved. If you say, 'My kid is sick,' they know what you're going through because last week their kid was sick."

The Eastside group, the seventh largest chapter of Parents Without Partners in the country, started offering discussion groups on dating with kids after Schwindt and other members realized they were all picking up the same lessons through trial and error. "A lot of us had to learn the hard way before we had this type of discussion," he said.

The group hosts numerous family and adult-only activities, from Chuck E. Cheese and roller-skating outings to parents' game nights and dances. "It's not a dating club, though people do date," Schwindt said. Most importantly, it helps single parents rebuild friendships when dynamics change with still-married couple friends.

Dating another single parent does require more juggling, even down to coordinating which weekends of the month kids are with the other parent, Schwindt said. But ultimately, single parents agree on the top priority: kids come first.

In most cases, that means keeping parents' romantic lives separate from children. Experts uniformly agree parents need to shield children from serial dating, both to protect kids from becoming emotionally attached to temporary boy/girlfriends and to avoid sending a message that people are interchangeable.

"Just say you're going out but that's it," advises Tina Tessina, a licensed psychotherapist in California and author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." "When kids meet someone you're seeing, it should be as a friend of the family, not as a person you're all excited about."

However, Schneider recommends parents be upfront about a regular boyfriend or girlfriend, even if they still aren't to the point of doing family activities together. "Kids are going to hear the same name, hear the phone calls," she said. "You can't keep it a secret."

The children

When children spend time with a parent's date, it should be low-key, without a lot of pressure to immediately bond, Tessina said. "Kids don't like being railroaded into liking somebody," she noted. "They react to that."

Kids, too, are often in an awkward spot, wanting to please one parent by liking a new companion but feeling disloyal to their other parent in the process. Children may also be jealous and resentful of a parent's attention to a new relationship, even if they're fond of the new guy or gal.

"Teens especially are sometimes very resistant to mom or dad linking up with a new person," said Helen Chamberlain, a licensed counselor and program director of Oklahoma-based Calm Waters, a program for families dealing with death or divorce. "They're used to holding a certain spot in mom or dad's life, and someone new coming in is very threatening."

Newman found her oldest son, then 16 when she began dating, was very protective of her. "You know how dating in high school, you'd be met at the door by your dad?" she asked. "I'd be met at the door by my son."

If parents work during the week — which most single parents have to do — they have only limited time with kids in the evenings, Schwindt said. "On the weekend, if you say, 'By the way, you're having a baby-sitter tonight,' the kids are going, 'Wait a minute, what about us?'

"It's not an easy thing," he said.

To alleviate the time crunch, parents are often tempted to rush into family activities, but experts recommend this only when parents are sure the romance is committed. A slow, gradual introduction process gives children time to develop their own relationship with a new adult. "If you do it right in the beginning, you'll eliminate 90 percent of the problems later on," Tessina said.

Unless single parents and partners are living together or engaged, experts frown on sleepovers while children are home.

"It's very disturbing for a child to see another person sleeping in mom or dad's bed," Schneider said. Even if young children don't understand exactly what's going on, they know someone new is in a familiar place where their other parent used to be every night, she explained. "All you'll get is a scared and angry kid," she said.

"People get excited about their romantic feelings and forget to think carefully about what they're doing," Tessina said.

"I know a lot of single parents feel really deprived, but they gave up the right to consider themselves first when they decided to have kids."

Which isn't always fair, especially when single parents deserve a break as much as anyone. "Every parent has moments where they wish they didn't have kids," Schneider said. Rather than feel guilty, parents should take it as a sign they need to grab a little space for themselves, she said.

Handled well, Schneider says, dating can balance parents' happiness with kids' comfort and security. In the best cases, kids may realize what her own boys did: "They think I'm a better mother when I'm dating."

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com

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