'Quirkyalones' hold out for real romance

By Michelle Goodman
Special to The Seattle Times

	SUSAN JOUFLAS L THE SEATTLE TIME
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I don't tell you this, of course. Instead, I smile cheerfully while answering your queries about whether I'm seeing anyone, what his occupation is, how serious things are between us, and why on earth he isn't here today. But inside, I secretly wonder why it's such a big deal to you, since I'm perfectly content attending alone.

Not that I hold any grudges. In a society spoon-fed coupledom as social nirvana (thank you, Cosmo), these are all reasonable questions. Especially when you're in your mid-30s. But after a while, the heaps of reasonable questions can start to make a gal feel like an outsider — an imposter even — for not coveting that poufy-white-dress-and-hand-chandelier route.

I was starting to feel that way. That is, until I stumbled upon Sasha Cagen's book, "Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics" (Harper, $19.95).

Author appearances "Quirkyalone" author Sasha Cagen will speak at the following local bookstores: • 6:30 p.m. today, Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way N.E., Lake Forest Park. • 5 p.m. Monday, Elliot Bay Book Co., 101 South Main Street, Seattle. • 7 p.m. Monday, "Film Rap: 'The Uncompromising Romantic Comedy,' " University Book Store, 4326 University Way N.E., Seattle. To learn more about Cagen's book and the International Quirkyalone Day celebrations happening Feb. 14, visit www.quirkyalone.net.

To be quirkyalone, I learned, is to relish — rather than lament — the single life. According to the book's opening quiz, believing "life can be prosperous and great with or without a mate" and "there is no single road map for adulthood" might make you a quirkyalone, or at least someone who harbors "quirkyalone tendencies." Although not anti-dating, quirkyalones don't date just to have company on a Saturday night. Unflaggingly romantic and fiercely independent, they'd rather be single than settle for a mediocre match. What's more, quirkyalones regard their network of friends as family.

A growing movement

A legion of singles who shared my ideals about relationships? Apparently, I'd stumbled upon a lovely parallel universe.

	Sasha Cagen

Determined to learn more, I tracked down Cagen in San Francisco last month. (She is in Seattle this weekend for readings and other events related to her book.) We met in a nondescript cafe nestled among the taquerias, dusty old bookstores, and neon-adorned watering holes of the Mission District. She was at the back of the cafe, burrowed into a couch and hunched over a wireless laptop. Looking effortlessly adorable in a sweater dress and jeans, the 30-year-old Rhode Island native was furiously answering her e-mail, a task that lately had become a job in itself for her.

Since her book's publication last year, the quirkyalone concept has been bandied about on CNN, National Public Radio and "The View." Plus, The Washington Post declared bachelorettes "out" and quirkyalones "in" for 2004.

With buzz like that, it's no wonder Cagen's e-mail inbox is overflowing.

To add to the excitement, the second annual International Quirkyalone Day is just around the corner. Rather than the tired singles tradition of pooh-poohing Valentine's Day, quirkyalones across the country will host public parties Feb. 14 to celebrate the independent spirit.

But quirkyalone mania doesn't stop there. The book's Web site features a growing online community of kindred quirkyalones around the globe, ranging from college-aged to middle-aged.

Cagen showed me a sampling of the online community board. The messages ran the gamut: jokes poking fun at marriage; pleas for help dealing with an incurable crush — what the book labels "romantic obsession"; gripes about the husband-hunting missives that crowd the relationship section at most bookstores; discussions about the best quirkyalone movies ("Amélie" is a favorite); and polls about everything from celibacy to the wedding date problem.

Think these are only female concerns? Think again.

"I hear from a lot of men," Cagen said.

Although women historically have endured far more social stigma for being single (terms like "spinster" and "old maid" leap to mind), the book speaks to both sexes. Men in droves are sharing their quirkyalone experiences online.

The 'Ally McBeal' connection

As we browsed the message boards, Cagen giggled with delight. She never intended to start a movement back in July 2000, when she ran her original quirkyalone essay in her self-published magazine, To-Do List. But that's precisely what happened. And clearly, the response is more than she could have hoped for.

The quirkyalone concept had been percolating in Cagen for some time in her 20s. But as it happened, it was a Fox network series that helped her realize she was onto a much larger social trend.

"It had a lot to do with watching 'Ally McBeal.' I was in the minority of feminists who really liked the show," Cagen confessed. "It was the first time I'd seen a group of people [on television] whose natural state was being single."

Ally, a twentysomething lovelorn lawyer, reveled in her single status almost as much as she whined about it. The show always ended with her contentedly walking home alone, dancing in the Boston snow in her pajamas, or some other celebration of another day well-lived.

These were images Cagen recognized from her own life. And that reassured her. Those closing "Ally McBeal" scenes were a far cry from what Cagen calls "the anti-quirkyalone movement": legions of frantic-toned, dating-obsessed magazines, sitcoms and reality-TV shows, and "self-help books that counsel you on how to use marketing strategies to ensnare someone."

Is marriage the end?

The day I met Cagen, another beacon of quirkyalones was on my mind: "Sex and the City." Just that week, Miranda, the show's redheaded lawyer, got married, and at her wedding reception, she worried to her best friends, "Oh, God! You don't think I'm one them now, do you?"

No, they didn't think that she had instantaneously turned into a pod person just because she'd tied the knot. And when I asked Cagen, neither did she.

"There is no contradiction between being quirkyalone and actually following through with a committed relationship," Cagen said, who described her current dating status as "deeply single." "I think the one clear-cut instance in which most quirkyalones would feel like it's a betrayal of your identity would be if you did dump/abandon your friends. Because at the core of the [quirkyalone] idea is this recognition of community and the idea of having significant others over your lifetime."

Cagen is hopeful that in 50 years, the "tyranny of coupledom" and any need for a quirkyalone movement will have drastically, if not completely, dwindled. Yes, people will still seek love and couplehood, but she predicts they'll be more accepting of singles because of our multiplying numbers.

Her assurance that "right now, we're in the midst of a dramatic transition in terms of how society thinks about relationships," is music to my ears. I'm headed to Florida this month for a family reunion — on Feb. 14, of all days. And you know me. I'll be the one family member to show up dateless.

Michelle Goodman: michellegoodman@comcast.net

Copyright © 2004 The Seattle Times Company