Strategies to handle grief during holidays

By Stephanie Dunnewind
Seattle Times staff reporter

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This month, most bereaved families would like to flip the calendar over to Jan. 2, said Mel Erickson, program director for the Auburn-based GriefWorks. "But that's not our reality. The best way to make it through the holidays is to plan, because there's protection in that."

Being aware of what might trigger memories, from sights to smells to sounds, can help grieving parents be less surprised by their flood of emotions.

"You go to pick up a loaf and bread and you're almost assaulted by the Christmas music," said Patricia Loder, executive director of The Compassionate Friends, a national nonprofit organization offering support to families grieving the death of a child. "It can almost take your breath away."

Parent might decide ahead of time how to handle a "grief burst." A mom overwhelmed by watching her surviving child open a gift because she so wishes her deceased child was there too might go cry in the bathroom to avoid spoiling the moment, said Bob Baugher, a Highline Community College psychology professor. At a dinner with close family, parents might feel safer sharing their grief.

"Instead of going to your room to cry and then saying nothing is wrong, say, 'Do you remember how much Jimmy liked to eat pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving?' " said Donna Schuurman, executive director of Portland, Ore.-based The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families. "It's OK to cry, laugh and remember things."

For less intimate social events, grieving families might warn the host ahead of time about the possibility of departing without goodbyes. One bereaved woman carried a pre-written letter in her pocket explaining why she had to leave in a rush and thanking the host. Even if people never use the letter, it makes many feel more comfortable attending social events because they have a polite "out," Erickson said.

In their own homes, many grieving families struggle with whether or not to decorate, Erickson said. For some, it's an issue of energy and inclination; for others, it just doesn't seem appropriate.

"Some people may feel it honors a child or parent who died to have a tree and gather as a family, because that's what the person would have wanted," Erickson said. "But an aunt might come to visit and say, 'How could you?' "

As much as possible, experts suggest parents maintain holiday traditions for younger children to provide stability. While it's not easy to feel festive, parents still want children to cherish holiday memories.

"If a 7-year-old sibling doesn't get to have Christmas because his brother died, that Christmas is ruined," Schuurman said. "He'll always have that horrible memory."

The important message: "Kids want to know that somehow the family is going to make it through this hard time," Loder said.

Children rarely grieve for extended periods at a time and will likely enjoy many of the holiday trappings while still experiencing sadness.

"They can be excited about getting presents but then 10 minutes later, be crying," said Rex Allen, grief support services manager for Providence Hospice of Seattle. "They grieve in smaller increments, because that's what they can handle."

Children may also grieve anew as they reach different developmental stages and understand their loss in a new way, Allen noted. A boy who lost his father at age 5 may be saddened at age 12 to realize he'll never use the baseball mitt he receives for Hanukkah to play catch with his dad.

Experts offer more advice for families coping with grief during the holidays:

• Don't act falsely happy. While parents shouldn't burden children with their grief, they shouldn't pretend it doesn't exist either, Allen said. When parents talk about their sad feelings, it gives children an opportunity to share their grief as well. Parents might warn children in advance that the holidays are a difficult time and mom or dad might cry more often.

• Acknowledge you will have limited energy. If they're old enough, ask children to help make a list of priorities. Some parents feel compelled to keep holiday traditions for their kids. But look for compromises; for example, instead of an 8-foot-tall tree, find a smaller one to sit on a table so it's easier to put up and take down.

• Be prepared for the holidays to be difficult, even if a year or two has passed since the death. "For some families, the second holiday can be more difficult than the first one," Allen said. "Sometimes people are so numb, they're not even aware the first Christmas. But during the second one, suddenly all those feelings are more apparent."

• Invite children to suggest ways to remember lost loved ones during the holidays. Don't "protect" children by leaving them out of remembrance rituals.

• Be open to the fact children might have conflicting feelings. "They might think, 'I shouldn't want presents because my brother's dead, but I do want them,' " Schuurman noted.

• Don't overcompensate for a loss by overdoing gifts. "Giving children five times the number of gifts is not going to make them feel better," Loder said.

• Avoid holiday music and scenes by shopping via catalog or online.

• Get support for yourself. "There's this sense as a widow that you have all this stuff to keep up and you have to stay happy (for your kids)," said Emmy Neilson, whose husband died four years ago. "It's easy to forget to take time to be really good to yourself."

She would get a baby-sitter for her three children and go for a walk or run with a friend.

"You have to make sure to take care of yourself, because otherwise, you're not going to be able to take care of anyone else," she said.

Copyright © 2003 The Seattle Times Company