Issues of aging affect all

You are not alone.

That message came through in most of the scores of messages I received after last Thursday's column about my brothers and me trying to find a safe place for our mother.

She can't live on her own because of a combination of problems including hoarding and memory loss.

One reader, Ramsay, wrote, "Life is complicated and has so many layers. Just when I feel that I'm heading in the right direction, something unexpected often comes out of nowhere. Maybe this is what makes us better people or more likely, it is just life ... "

The exchange with readers has been mutual therapy, so I thought I'd give you the gist of some of the messages that weren't posted online.

Most were from people who had agonized over a parent, sibling or spouse who had become physically or mentally incapable of fully independent living. Most just shared their stories, but some offered advice.

Cathy, whose son lives with her 91-year-old mother and helps with her care, wrote that my mother and I both would be happier if I were caring for her directly.

"Some care facilities try to do a good job, but they are always just care facilities, never home. It's a business. It's less perfect than imperfectly caring families can provide."

Several readers felt that way, but the majority didn't.

Another Cathy said I should focus on the years my mother had been living on her own, and wrote: "In this day and age, where it usually takes two incomes to keep the household afloat — who can stay home to be a full-time caregiver? Very few of us have the resources to do that."

Another reader and her husband cared for her ailing mother at home, but, "After eight months of never being able to leave home, sore backs and depression (a new mental state for me!), we finally accepted our limits." They placed her in an assisted-living facility.

"Every darn bit of it was painful for her and for us. A year and a half later, she still occasionally asks to come home but mainly it has been a real success. She seems happy, she is getting much better care ... "

Her conclusion rang true: "These decisions are tough. You will never be totally happy with the results and that is why you need to make sure that she is in the best place for her needs."

Often caregiving isn't a one-time role. Judy said: "I have nursed my husband's aunt, his mother, my mother and my aunt through their old-age infirmities until they died. Now my husband has advanced kidney disease and is losing his independence because he will be going on dialysis."

I know. My wife and I were exhausted by the painful year leading to my mother-in-law's death. The past couple of years my wife has been tirelessly helping her father deal with multiple surgeries.

It's hard on caregiver and -receiver. Some readers emphasized the need to retain humanity in the face of distress and frustration.

Chuck wrote, "I think the best we can do is treat all the elderly like we would like to be treated, call them, listen to them, tell jokes with them, help them however we can, and really enjoy them for what they are now, not what we wished them to be, but what they are, just wanting to be part of the world, and loved."

And Carl said, "I'm not sure of your mom's exact condition — but there's one piece of advice I gleaned from a Web site for families of people suffering from Alzheimer's. It said that caregivers in this situation need to remember that patients truly are the definition of living in the moment. There's no today, no tomorrow, no yesterday — not even a few minutes ago. Just the current moment. And our job when we visit is to make sure they have as many good moments as possible.

"My mom repeated stories over and over — at first, I would gently correct her and try and prod her memory. But once I read this comment, I realized that was to make me feel better. I truly feel that she felt better after I changed my approach and simply lived in whatever memory she was repeating and enjoyed it with her each time — many times getting her to laugh as we remembered the individual or situation."

Cheri ended with a positive thought. "What makes it work (I hope) is that we all realize that their ship is about to leave, one way or another, and we so deeply want to make the last part of their journey a loving one."

Thanks for the therapy.

Jerry Large's column appears Monday and Thursday. Reach him at 206-464-3346 or jlarge@seattletimes.com.