Originally published Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Comments (34)
E-mail article
Print view
Share
Jerry Large
An aging parent forces agonizing decision
While everyone else in the world was fixated on the death of Michael Jackson, my life rotated around a woman in a small room, who misses her dog, working in her yard and being the boss of herself.
![]() |
Seattle Times staff columnist
Getting through life requires a person to have some bounce.
I've spent the past couple of weeks working on my elasticity, dealing with one of those life events that's widely shared, but never feels like it when it's your turn.
My mother is no longer able to live on her own, but she doesn't know that.
My older brother got a temporary guardianship and placed her in a nursing home hours before I arrived at her door in New Mexico. I'd wanted to explore more options, but he's always been inclined toward quick action.
So I went from her house to the nursing home, and she said she was glad to see me. "Now I can go home," she said.
I told her it was more complicated than that.
While everyone else in the world was fixated on the death of Michael Jackson, my life rotated around a woman in a small room, who misses her dog, working in her yard and being the boss of herself.
I tried to explain why her doctor said she can't live alone: her faltering short-term memory and the hoarding disorder that went from inconvenient clutter to dangerous excess.
As a child, she was poor enough that the Great Depression made no impression on her, nothing to lose. She never throws anything away. But a few years ago she started stockpiling food, fearing she might be stuck home unable to get out for supplies. Never mind that my younger brother lives five minutes away and checks on her every day.
Two years ago we noticed the food hoarding had gotten much worse. My younger brother, my wife, my son and I cleaned out the old food and some of the other stuff.
Last year, we did it again. But we didn't know there was more food buried under boxes of clothes and clippings from newspapers and appliances that no longer work and paper towels and toilet tissue and cleaning supplies and notebooks.
She kept canned goods long enough for them to rot; she kept pasta, flour and rice long enough for mice to find them. That was finally too much.
![]()
Frugality had morphed into something else, but so gradually that until the mice appeared recently, we had been able to debate whether she had crossed the line yet.
Everyone I've spoken with about this situation, if they are my age or older, has a story to tell about an aging parent or grandparent.
On one leg of my flight to New Mexico, the woman sitting next to me put her face in her hands and wept. She lives in Alaska, and was heading back to New Mexico because her mother is seriously ill.
Aging has been doing its business to people forever, but when it's your turn to face it, it feels new and wrong. In the nursing home, a woman they told me used to be a teacher, screams periodically for no apparent reason. Sometimes she waves her arms and scolds someone who isn't present, "You put that down right now."
At lunch one day, a tall thin man told me he'd been to Bremerton. He had to say it several times before I could understand: "Pretty up there. All the water."
He said he had wanted to see more of the world, but his father died and he'd had to take over the farm. He said he enjoyed talking to me, that he had a lot to say, and if he could speak clearly he'd tell me more. He apologized for being so hard to understand. "I just can't talk."
If I were porcelain, I'd break.
Jerry Large's column appears Monday and Thursday. Reach him at 206-464-3346 or jlarge@seattletimes.com.
Copyright © 2009 The Seattle Times Company
I try to write about the intersections of everyday life and big issues. I like to invite readers to think a little differently. The topics I choose represent the things in which I take an interest, and I try to deal with them the way most folks would, sometimes seriously, sometimes with a sense of humor. My column runs Mondays and Thursdays.
jlarge@seattletimes.com | 206-464-3346
Jerry Large: A blessed life, with soundtrack
Jerry Large: Red flags on the road to reform

LA Galaxy's David Beckham
Los Angeles Galaxy's David Beckham talks about the upcoming MLS Cup final during after a team practice.
nwjobs

Post a comment

Michelle Goodman blogs about work/life balance.
How to tell your office you're gravely ill
Post a comment
nwautos

Choosing a new sedan? Weigh the impact of your choice on your wallet and on the planet.
Post a comment
- Monfort fired after excellent worker turned unreliable
- Sentence request for US woman in Italy murder case
- 31 years for man who killed girlfriend, then lit cigarette and waited for police
- Boeing facility death was suicide
- Mariners Blog | A Mariners-Tigers swap makes a whole lot of sense for both teams
- Swedish threatens to end Regence BlueShield's contract
- Man falls 8 stories, suffers minor injuries
- Man shot in chest on E. Union Street in Capitol Hill
- Italian lead prosecutor argues Knox motive was hatred
- Mariners Blog | Dustin Ackley to move to second base; Mariners add six to 40-man roster
- First key vote today on Senate health bill
164 - Mariners add six to 40-man roster
104 - Boeing breaks ground for historic SC plant
97 - Lynnwood is reinventing itself — again
79 - Man shot in Capitol Hill
71 - Senate vote clears hurdle
69 - Italian lead prosecutor argues Knox motive was hatred
67 - Bye week answers, volume four
46 - Case of accused "Street Mobb" pimp goes to jury
45 - Saturday links
45
- Washington state wines make annual best-of list
- Swedish threatens to end Regence BlueShield's contract
- Recipes: Sesame Pork Roast, Sour Cream Mashed Potatoes, Gingerbread with Lemon Sauce and more
- It's possible to recover a life lost to hoarding
- Nonprofits get creative using Twitter and Facebook to make donation easier
- Restaurant review | Artisanal at The Bravern shows French flair in delicious style
- Peruvian police: Gang killed people for their fat
- Seattle industrial artist Rusty Oliver is the man behind 'Smash Putt'
- Great places to cross-country ski for free (or almost) in the Methow
- $335 million in education grants







