Swappin' e-mails with Stern and those gents from Oklahoma City who bought the Sonics

To: Oklahoma Raiders

(crpt_baggers@okc.com)

Cc: David Stern

(dictator@nba.com)

Subject: Lessons on covert business

Gents,

Sorry I've been ripping you the past few weeks, but, well, you're easy targets. You're getting sued more than music downloaders. You're going to have to sweat out this heist of the Sonics and pay your lawyers millions. And the saddest, most embarrassing part of it all is that you could've avoided some of these problems by not leaving a cyber trail.

Mobsters don't leave behind notes about their criminal activities. Cheating spouses don't leave pictures of their lovers on the kitchen table. Kids don't write messages on their MySpace pages about sneaking out after curfew. So, Raiders, why would you be foolish enough to disclose your shady intentions on e-mail?

Did you underestimate the power of legal discovery? Did you really think "I am a man possessed!" would never find its way into the newspaper, Clay Bennett?

Rule No. 1 in a conspiracy: Conspire somewhere private.

What else might we find in your inboxes? A bounty to fire Tyrone Willingham?

All suspicious e-mails tend to find their way into the news around here.

You guys have much to learn about hustlin'.

Laughing at your follies,

Jerry

From: Clayton Bennett

(iheartstern@okc.com)

To: Jerry Brewer

Cc: David Stern

Subject: RE: Lessons on covert business

Once again, someone in Seattle is twisting my words. I am a man possessed — about following the example of David Stern, the extraordinarily gifted executive. He is just one of my favorite people on earth. Actually, on this galaxy.

I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide. If the state of Washington would've given us an arena made of diamonds, we would've happily stayed. But that didn't happen, and so like my role model, Mr. Stern, I had to turn into a deep and compassionate thinker. I had to search within myself to find a rare and unique charisma that brings out the best in everyone I touch (outside of Seattle). I had to be more Stern-like :)

Take care, Dave.

Goodbye, Brewer.

From: Aubrey McClendon

(250K_aint_nothing@okc.com)

To: Jerry Brewer

Subject: FWD: Lessons on covert business

OK, keep this shhhhhh. Thx. I don't care about your lessons on business, Brewer. But I could use your help on something. Here is the revised list of nicknames for our team after it moves to Oklahoma City. Sonic Boom, Sonic Boomers I'm just not feeling them anymore. I got something new, baby!!!!!!! Remember, shhhhhh.

Oh, and call us Raiders one more time, and I'll do something to get myself fined again. You know I do what I want to do. Clay can't control me, baby!!!!!!!

Possible team names:

1. !!!!!!!

2. The 66ers (we can just steal it from the Tulsa developmental league team)

3. The Oilers (hey, the NFL ain't using it anymore)

4. The Bison

5. The Laters (you know, play off Oklahoma Sooners. Get it? Get it!!!!!!!)

From: David Stern

To: Jerry Brewer; Oklahoma Raiders

Subject: RE: Lessons on covert business

I will not even justify this e-mail with a response. But I will say this: Seattleites better start revering me like Clay does or else I will punish them in perpetuity.

From: Jerry Brewer

To: David Stern; Oklahoma Raiders

Subject: RE: RE: Lessons on covert business

You guys just don't get it.

From: Tom L. Ward

(impatient@okc.com)

To: Jerry Brewer; Oklahoma Raiders; David Stern

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Lessons on covert business

Attachments: HowardSchultzDartboard.jpg

If we are forced to have another lame-duck season in Seattle, I'm wondering something: Can we have our draft party in Oklahoma City and just Web cast it to Seattle?

From: Dan Mahoney

(spinmaster@okc.com)

To: Oklahoma Raiders; Jerry Brewer, David Stern

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lessons on covert business

Bwhaa Haaaa Haaaa!

From: Jerry Brewer

To: Oklahoma Raiders, David Stern

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lessons on covert business

Thanks a lot, Raiders. I will be sending all of these e-mails to the city. It should make Seattle's lawsuit to keep you in the KeyArena lease even stronger. I'm all about defending Seattle, the great basketball city that you have conned.

Did you really think that I would send you advice on proper e-mail habits? Get real.

I think this is what Clay would call a sweet flip.

See you in court.

Jerry Brewer: 206-464-2277 or jbrewer@seattletimes.com. For his Extra Points blog, visit seattletimes.com/sports