Stepchildren still are family, even after divorce

Q: I've been dating a man for a little over a month. His second marriage was the result of his getting the girl he was seeing pregnant. It lasted five very turbulent years. Their child is now 6 — and she also has three older children by another man. My problem is that my boyfriend remains in contact with his three ex-stepchildren. In his words, "I divorced their mother, not them" and expects me to accept that those children are still his children for the rest of our lives. His reasoning is that they're his son's siblings and they will always be a part of his life, as will his son's mother. Is it fair to ask me to accept three former stepchildren? They really never were a family.

A: There are so many red flags here it's hard to know where to start. We could begin with the fact that you have only dated this guy a month and you're already in the "rest of our lives" mode. But more worrisome is that you seem to trivialize a five-year relationship because it was "troubled and turbulent and not really a family." That was in your eyes, and presumptuous to say the least. The quality of their relationship is not really your concern and should not be used as criteria for the importance of his relationship to the children.

It seems your boyfriend instinctively understands that the relationships he formed with those kids were separate from his relationship with their mother and he's telling you that his devotion to them did not change just because their mother and he divorced. He's absolutely right. This guy sounds like one first-class bonus dad and we would like to nominate him for Bonus Dad of the Year. (If any of our readers knows someone who also fits the bill, write us c/o the Bonus Families Web site.)

Finally, it doesn't sound as if your boyfriend has asked you to accept his bonus kids as much as he would like you to try to understand his commitment to them. If you can't, this guy is not the guy for you.

Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.