When you'd really like some cold cash from your wedding guests

Q: My fiancé and I are getting married this summer, and we're saving money for a big trip. We'd rather our wedding guests donate money to a travel fund than buy us china that we'd rarely use, for example. What's the most appropriate way to ask for this, and to spread the word that we don't want gifts, just donations to our travel fund?

A: The best way to spread the word is by mouth, not by anything written. Traditionally, it's the role of the bridal party and the couple's families to be emissaries of such information.

Let the best man, maid of honor or family members spread the word. It might sound like, "I know that they are planning quite a wedding trip. They'd most appreciate some help with that. You could just send them a check and keep it simple. That's what I'm going to do."

Although many people enjoy shopping for wedding gifts, others are put into a quandary about what to buy that truly would please the bride and groom. That's how wedding registries began.

Fortunately, for your purposes, there are now several travel bridal registries, such as Honey Luna (800-809-5862, www.honeyluna.com) and The Big Day (800-304-1141, www.thebigday.com).

Some companies provide registry-notification postcards. These cards, designed to be mailed to a couple's family and friends, explain what a honeymoon registry is and are meant as a sort of solicitation. I think that oversteps the boundaries.

If people ask what would please you — and many will ask — you can tell them where you are registered, but I think it is discourteous to make a pre-emptive move by sending such a card.

As I see it, the whole idea of writing your gift directives smacks of "Wedding as Fundraiser." Of course, you should be gracious to those who have made another gift choice.

I am sure your trip will be delightful, but I suspect you may find, many years from now, that you also will cherish some of the gifts that remain with you over time.

Q: We'd like our wedding guests to donate to a few of our favorite charities instead of buying us gifts, since we already have a lot of household goods. How do we let this be known without offending some people, especially older guests who are used to bringing gifts to weddings? Also, we are fairly liberal politically but don't want to offend conservative guests with our choice of charities.

A: Again, though some people will send you a gift of their own choosing, others will ask for suggestions. Spread the word to your nearest and dearest that, "We appreciate that you want to honor us with a gift to commemorate our wedding. We think that we have so much to be grateful for, and we would like to share our good fortune with others. In lieu of a gift, we would appreciate your making a contribution to one of our favorite charities."

Then provide a small list of charities, and let them decide to which, if any, they want to contribute.

You certainly can't ask someone to contribute to a cause to which they are opposed — say, a political or religious group. So come up with some neutral charities such as Habitat for Humanity to put on the list.

Your intentions are the best, yet dictating gifts is not OK. Do not put it on the invitation. Do not ask how much anyone has given or to which charity. The charities will likely send you a letter that a gift was given in your name. That's all you need to know.

Take time for gratitude

The bride was resplendent. The weather was perfect. The reception was splendid. No matter how glorious your wedding, however, the memories will be spoiled if you neglect thank-you notes to those who invested their time and money on your wedding gift.

I can't count the times I've heard that an event was memorable, followed by a complaint that the couple never bothered to write a thank-you note for the wedding gift.

Even in our casual times, etiquette counts. Thank-you notes are especially important and easy to do.

Here is a foolproof formula for the perfect note:

• Mention the gift specifically.

• Recognize the giver's effort in giving it. (That might sound like, "With all you have on your plate, you were just great to choose my favorite ... ").

• Say how you will use the gift.

Write your notes on the best paper you can find.

When sending a handwritten note, we all benefit. The person who receives the note feels special even before he or she opens the envelope, and that reflects on the person who took the time to write it.

You'll never get a better return on a small investment of time and money than by sending a handwritten thank-you note. Think about it. Is it worth spoiling anyone's fond recollection of your wedding for the sake of a few minutes of your time?

Mary Mitchell is a Seattle-based corporate trainer and author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette." E-mail questions to Mary@themitchell.org. Sorry, no personal replies.