If only they'd R.S.V.P. ASAP

Q: I invited 18 people to my party, and nobody has replied to the invitation. What do I do now?

A: No doubt, you'll never ignore an invitation after this experience. Unfortunately, most hosts have to deal with this at one time or another.

About the only thing to do is get on the telephone. After all, you do need to know how to plan. What, exactly, do you say? Avoid the urge to lose your cool, even if you'd like to blurt out, "Listen, you jerk, did you break your arm, or are you just not calling me to see if I'm clairvoyant?"

Good manners are based on kindness. It's kind, if frustrating, to give others the benefit of the doubt. (Remember, though, that life is humbling; invariably, everybody needs the benefit of the doubt at some point.)

But first, if nobody has responded, consider this: Is it possible that the invitations never made it to their destinations? Miscalculated the new postage, perhaps (39 cents now)? E-mail invitations lost in filters?

Your call might sound like, "I'm calling to make sure you received your invitation to my party. I have not heard from you, and I'd be upset if you didn't know how much I'd like you to be there."

Let everybody save face. You might hear excuses. Some might even deny knowing about the party. Yet they won't want to go to a party they feel chastised into attending. When they tell you they'll be there, respond enthusiastically with, "That's great! See you there."

Am I suggesting that you just forgive and forget? Not necessarily. I am, however, suggesting a practical solution to a confounding situation.

Mary Mitchell is a Seattle-based corporate trainer and author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette." E-mail questions to Mary@themitchell.org. Sorry, no personal replies.