Hints for thank-you notes aren't always welcome

Q: What's an inoffensive way to hint or tell a close friend or relative about the importance of writing thank-you notes for gifts? It's well past Christmas, and I haven't received several thank-you notes for gifts that I put a lot of time and thought into.

A: Step One: Examine your motives. Make sure your ego is out of the way before you provide unsolicited advice. Prepare yourself for being shot as the messenger of unwanted information.

Step Two: Be sure you are a living role model. After all, we really only learn from what we see others do.

That said, if your friend or relative is otherwise impeccably mannered, you can try telling the adult, "I'm concerned that the kids didn't receive the gifts I sent them."

This approach (basically the same one used when we have to telephone friends and family to see whether our party invitations are going to be answered) helps everyone save face.

Then wait a week and see what happens.

If no thank-you note comes your way, stop giving gifts and see if that gets their attention.

Perhaps they will ask you why no more loot has arrived. That's when you get to say, "Well, when I never heard back from anybody to say thank-you, I took it as a signal that you preferred no gifts."

If your relationship with the parent is strong enough, you might suggest some etiquette books from the library, saying they have taught you a lot, and you've enjoyed reading them.

This way, you won't come off as arch or superior. Before doing anything, however, refer to Step One, in the interest of effective communication for this thankless mission.

The whole experience likely will bring to mind the adage: "No good deed goes unpunished."

Mary Mitchell is a Seattle-based corporate trainer and author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette." Questions may be sent by e-mail to Mary@themitchell.org. Sorry, no personal replies.