Humorous advice from a Canadian on Stanley Cup viewing

VANCOUVER, B.C. — I have been asked by The Seattle Times if, as a Canadian, I might offer pointers on hockey "to American rubes," which, I would point out, is a direct quote from The Times reporter, not me. I can't speak to the reporter's characterization of his own countrymen in this case. I use the term "American rubes" only after my regular cavity-search at the border.

I would also say that I find it quaint that Americans, rube-ish or otherwise, believe the stereotype that they have of Canadians. Just because we live in igloos does not mean we all know something about hockey. This would be akin to me randomly phoning up someone in Seattle and asking them, "Hey, you're an American. Give me pointers on military intervention and the overthrow of oil-rich autocracies." I would never presume to typecast people in a country as great and diverse as the U.S., and I'm sure most of you are engrossed in many other pursuits, such as monster truck rallies.

I admit I have a passing acquaintance with hockey. I was a sports columnist for The Vancouver Sun for two wretched years, and while some might think interviewing a nude Wayne Gretzky would be a dream job, I never warmed to it. There is something remarkably odd about a group of clothed grown men asking questions of another grown man while he is toweling off from a shower.

Also, for a short time, I played hockey. I played left comic relief on an office team. The highlight of my ice time came when I tripped on a breakaway, crashed into the boards and fractured my kneecap. My leg and foot swelled up so quickly they had to cut the laces to get the skate off.

Anyway, back to you rubes.

With the Stanley Cup finals coming to Vancouver, and more important, to NBC, where the series is expected to attract viewership in the tens of hundreds, chances are you might not know what you're looking at, since you were expecting to be watching Christina Aguilera on "The Voice" instead of grown men skating around in oversized diapers. So The Seattle Times forwarded me some hockey questions to give you an idea of what to look for:

Question: Pete, there's that old saw, "I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out." It seems like it is a very violent sport. Really, what's the difference between common assault and a hockey brawl?

A: Crime doesn't pay.

Q: Pete, we've have heard a lot about identical twins Daniel and Henrik Sedin, the Canucks stars so similar in appearance their coaches have trouble telling them apart. How can we? Do they have any identifying physical differences?

A: I suspect they do, but I haven't interviewed them post-shower.

Q: Pete, being Americans, we are particularly interested in American hockey players. What can you tell us about Ryan Kesler, who is from Livonia, Mich.? Does he like playing for the Canucks? Can he speak Canadian yet?

A: Kesler has become a true star in the National Hockey League and known for his gritty two-way play. In a recent game, he returned to the ice only minutes after insisting a bloody gash above his eye be stitched without anesthetic, causing a fainting spell. (I recovered minutes later.) He is also known for his refreshing frankness, and while playing for the U.S. Olympic hockey team during the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics, said of the players on the Canadian Olympic squad: "I hate them." Being Canadian, we apologized for antagonizing him.

Q: What, so far, has been the highlight of the Canucks' run to the Stanley Cup Final?

A: I would have to say that The Highlight — and I am not making this up — occurred during the second playoff game against the San Jose Sharks, when a young, attractive blonde woman, intent on taunting Sharks goon Ben Eager, who had just taken his fourth penalty, approached the box, lifted her Canucks jersey and pressed her bare breasts up against the box's Plexiglas side. Then she wiggled her breasts for emphasis. Remarkably, Eager did not seem to notice. The CBC, the national broadcaster, televised the whole thing. The U.S. network airing the game — Versus — chose not to do so. What the hell is wrong with your country?

Q: Pete, hockey rules and strategy seem so confusing. Can you explain "neutral zone traps," "icing" and the strategy behind line changes?

A: No.

Q: Pete, can you tell us what a "Canuck" is exactly?

A: It is the sound a kneecap makes when it fractures.

Q: The Canucks will be facing the Boston Bruins in the Stanley Cup Final. What should we be looking for in this series, aside from the Bruins' bizarrely ugly black and yellow uniforms, which make them look more like bees than bears?

A: The Bruins are a tough-minded team that plays a controlled game. They have an excellent goalie and one of the league's premier defensemen in 6-foot-9 Zdeno Chara, who, during a playoff game this year, introduced an opposing player's face moving at top speed to a steel post that stayed right where it was. It made the NHL's Most Stomach-Churning Highlights video. Look for the Canucks to counter the Bruins' more conservative style with their considerable offense.

Myself, I hope to stay abreast of developments in the penalty box.

Pete McMartin is a columnist for The Vancouver Sun.