How to talk to kids about their father's addictions

Q: My ex moved out six years ago. We have two daughters he saw every other weekend. They are now 18 and 20. My ex remains a "functional alcoholic" but his more debilitating addiction is pornography. Since my daughters only saw their dad every other weekend, they were unaware of his addictions. When my older daughter left for college we discussed the alcoholism. As the younger daughter leaves this fall, it's time both know about their addiction history. Alcohol I can explain. How do I discuss porn's dangers and addictiveness while respecting their love for their dad?

A: First, congratulations on understanding how important it is to discuss addiction with your kids. We certainly understand why you chose their going off to college to have this discussion. However, many kids choose to experiment with drugs and alcohol before college, so we suggest that families, especially families who face addiction, have that discussion far earlier. Teens are notorious for not taking an addictive family history seriously — few believe it will happen to them — so keep talking and listening and do your best to educate, not preach. If not approached properly, the "stay away from drugs" lecture can alienate rather than help.

Now on to your specific question: How to discuss porn's dangers and addictiveness while respecting their love for their dad? There are a couple red flags here. The first is that the kids probably did know about dad's drinking, but they didn't tell you. Granted, if he saw them only every other weekend, he could have kept the drinking away from them, but there are other signs your kids probably saw before the divorce. Consider this possibility: They may not have known how to talk to you about it.

The second red flag is that you have been divorced for six years, and we know it's rare divorced couples have candid discussions about how they're addressing their problems. Don't be presumptuous. Your ex could be in the process of dealing with his addiction and you just don't know it. You are using good ex-etiquette when you understand that the specifics are Dad's truth to tell.

With all this in mind, it may not be necessary to give the kids a laundry list of what you perceive their father's additions to be. Better to explain that addiction takes many forms, from drugs and alcohol to gambling, shopping and porn — and it's not uncommon for those facing addiction to be "addicted" to more than one thing. Talk about the behaviors and what to look out for in their own lives. Answer their questions honestly and always acknowledge their love for their father. There are lots of helpful books available. Try, "Codependent No More: Beyond Codependency," by Melody Beattie.

Finally, just in case there are specifics that you have not included; we always suggest you consult a professional who knows your family background.

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Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.