Make sure you don't get tangled in the Web

I have a love-hate relationship with my computer. My first was a so-called "portable." Weighing 35 pounds (or was it 35 tons?), it stretched my arm a good inch during one memorable plane trip between Washington, D.C., and Seattle more than 20 years ago.

My second computer, for which I think I paid an unholy $3,000, was very cool, or the ambience in which it sat was — a third-floor attic bedroom with old brick walls and dormer windows that overlooked several magnificent trees in an old Washington, D.C., neighborhood. It was my nest, the center from which I was going to write wonderfully informative pieces on aging.

Except that the second line in the operating manual was wrong. Wrong! With deadlines fast approaching, I couldn't figure out how to make it work. I almost threw it out the window.

And so it has been. As computers become cheaper and lighter, their complexity has increased a thousand fold. At this point, I no longer read the directions — I hire someone to teach me. Since I use a computer mainly for writing and e-mail, I probably use 15 percent of its capacity. But that's OK. I can't imagine returning to the old days of manual typewriters. I'm hooked for good.

But, as with every major technological breakthrough, computers have a negative side. One of the biggest is the Internet — a fabulous tool that, unfortunately, holds many perils for consumers. You may use it to book a flight, rent a car, or find the words to a song, but beware of its use in eldercare. It's a perfect place for those who see "gold in old" to take advantage of unwitting families and elders.

What brings this to mind are several e-mails asking my favorite Internet sites for finding the right residential- and home-care options. My answer: none. Everyone wants decisions about caring for an aging parent to be as easy as popping a pill — say, "ah," and swallow. Voilà! Instant knowledge. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

Eldercare is amazingly complex. Every family, every older person, every person in the family, every diagnosis, every family dysfunction — times 10 — calls for a decision-tree that is unique. There are no "six easy questions to help you make the right choice" — unless you don't care about the outcome or the cost.

And that's the problem with most eldercare Web sites — they're set up to meet the customer's demand for ease, not necessarily quality or accuracy, and the consumer is none the wiser. With flashy graphics, an implied knowledge, implied comprehensiveness and implied ethics, they look and feel legitimate. Some are, many aren't. Here are some things to watch out for:

• Where does the money come from to support this company? Does its financing create hidden biases? For example, a provider might pay the company for referrals, which means the site's loyalty could lie more with that provider than its customers. If it charges referral fees, are there levels of referral fees that encourage more referrals?

• If a company offers you a list of housing or in-home care choices, is the list comprehensive or limited to those that pay to be listed? I once contacted a large referral outfit that gave me the name of an assisted-living facility for my dad a good 50 miles away. He was living in a great assisted-living community just 13 miles away, but the agency insisted there was nothing closer. The community where my dad lived wasn't paying them.

• Does the Web site provide a way to meet and assess the person who needs care face-to-face? Simply talking to an adult child about a parent's needs is notoriously inaccurate. You want an in-person connection and lots of questions tailored to the individual (even if the person is demented). Unless distance makes this impossible, there is no substitute.

For truly unbiased assistance, hire a geriatric-care manager — an expert in aging who does not receive referral fees — to help you with an older person's needs. Many can point you to housing and care referral professionals they trust.

You can find a care manager at www.caremanager.org.

Most of us age accidentally, without planning or forethought. Aging Deliberately tells us how to age on purpose. You can reach Liz Taylor at lizt@agingdeliberately.com or write to P.O. Box 11601, Bainbridge Island, WA 98110. Her Web site is www.AgingDeliberately.com.