Formerly fat, they're bringing sexy back

SANTA ANA, Calif. — It was just what the doctor ordered an hour of talk about sex.

On a recent Thursday evening, 18 women gathered to compile a list of what they find sexy, from candles and jazz to "my legs," "kisses on the ear" and firemen. Then they examined dozens of sex toys and bought a few.

The women squirmed and giggled at times, but they didn't shrink from the evening's activities, sponsored by their doctors at the N.E.W. Program surgical weight-loss center in Newport Beach, Calif.

The goal of the evening was to nourish newly revived feelings of sexuality in formerly obese women. It's an innovative offering from a medical practice that strives to help its patients change their lives after the weight-loss surgery that changes their bodies.

Many of the women used to weigh 300 pounds or more, had hated looking at themselves in the mirror, and couldn't imagine anyone finding them attractive, according to them and their doctors at N.E.W., which stands for Nutrition, Exercise, Wellness.

That changed after they underwent bariatric surgery, which reconfigures the digestive tract to encourage weight loss. Within a year, many found themselves about 100 pounds lighter. Gradually many of them became more interested in, and interesting to, the opposite sex.

"When you're fat, people don't see you as a person. They see you as a blob.

They look past you," said Jeanette Ko, 39, of Santa Ana, Calif. She weighed 316 pounds before her gastric-bypass surgery eight months ago. Since then, she has lost 112 pounds.

Now, at 204 pounds, she is still adjusting to a new image of herself as sexually attractive. "The first time someone checked me out, I was, 'Oooooh! What's going on?' " Ko said.

Being attractive takes getting used to, said Nicole Davison, 29, of Carlsbad, Calif., who had gastric-bypass surgery last June. Dropping from 248 pounds to 150 pounds has changed her relationship with formerly platonic friends, she said.

"I had always been the buddy. Now they say things like, 'So-o-o, what are you doing tonight?' After six years without going on a date, it's an adjustment," she said.

MAKING ADJUSTMENTS

"Sex drive and interest in sex can dramatically improve after weight-loss surgery, but many patients need help adapting," said Dr. Brian Quebbemann, a bariatric surgeon and partner in the N.E.W. Program.

John Jolliffe, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the program, said anger can be an obstacle to intimacy after weight loss especially if the patient thinks a spouse wasn't encouraging enough about the surgery.

For other patients, weight loss triggers feelings of insecurity in a spouse, Jolliffe said. They feel threatened, worrying that their now-slimmer partner will leave them or will be unfaithful.

Because bariatric patients' skin doesn't contract when they lose weight, self-image can also remain a problem, Joliffe said.

BREAKING NEW GROUND

Now that the sexual-awareness event has broached the subject, Joliffe plans to tackle those issues during his twice-a-month group sessions, which are attended by about 35 bariatric patients.

Several women said they had hoped the evening would include more discussion of physiological and psychological issues. In fact, it largely consisted of a presentation by Dana B. Myers, co-founder of Booty Parlor of Signal Hill, a distributor and online retailer of products ranging from massage oils to vibrators.

Myers encouraged the women to adopt a positive attitude about themselves, even if that takes an effort.

Try the "I'm So Sexy" lip gloss, she said. "Put on lip gloss, look in the mirror, and say something nice to yourself. Acknowledge what's nice about yourself." Try the "Don't Stop" massage oil, she said.

Dr. Justin Braverman, a bariatric surgeon and partner in the N.E.W. medical practice, explained to the patients that the sexuality workshop was part of their treatment.

"Our goals here are to improve appearance, health and quality of life. A healthy sex life is important for a good quality of life," he said.

The medical practice also organizes other activities aimed at promoting healthy lifestyles and positive self-image, such as cooking classes and a fashion show with formerly obese patients as models.

The sexuality workshop is a "cutting-edge thing" that can be revised in the future, based on patients' comments, said Braverman, who is Myers' brother.

"It's not something new to me," said Marion Phillips, 41, of Santa Ana." We enjoy sex aids and it's more fun to play now," she said of her relationship with her husband after she dropped from 271 pounds before surgery to 151 pounds now.

"When you're huge, you aren't so sexual. You aren't comfortable with your body," she said.

"Before, sometimes it was more 'wham bam, thank you, ma'am,"' she said. "Now there's more emotional connection, a little romance."