Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, and the Rev. Debra Jarvis, a chaplain at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, answered reader questions live online noon to 1 p.m. today.

How do you let go of the anger when it's been a crutch for so long?
— Lily, Seattle

Dr. Fred Luskin: The answer is to ask oneself what the real costs of holding grudges is. They might include health problems, relationship problems and a decrease in self esteem. When that is put into the mix often the crutch does not feel so stable and useful.

One question I struggle with is: Should you forgive the same things over and over? If someone keeps apologizing and asking forgiveness, isn't it condoning the behavior in some way to keep granting the forgiveness? (For example, a cheating spouse, abuse, continual lying by a friend, etc.)?
— Colleen, Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: If the behavior is the same, over and over, then you are enabling. At that point, you must say, "enough," and decide whether you want this person in your life. Cheers.

Are you aware of any children's books that teach "practical steps to forgiveness"?
— Donna, Seattle

Dr. Fred Luskin: There has been no credible research on teaching forgiveness to children. That does not mean it can't be done ... there are simply no established texts at this time.

Since I took Fred's class a few years ago, I fell in love with someone, my gosh, I'm still in love with him, but he stole, lied, cheated, and bailed on me without so much as a Post-it note, and with threats of police action when I tried to contact him. He's having an affair with his business partner, in her home. Her husband lets him housesit and drive the cars, et cetera. I am obsessed with letting the husband know. I also believe he compulsively chases numerous women, and he does not practice protected sex. I am intermittently obsessed with trying to recover money -- the check I wrote him specified it was for a particular project that he never did any work on. My attorney said since he is a pathological liar, it will be just he said, she said. I am angry but perhaps more disturbed by my lingering affection for this sociopath.
— Rita, Menlo Park, Calif.

Dr. Fred Luskin: The forgiveness Rita needs is for herself ... for having bad decision making. That said, having affection for someone is not the problem. Discrimination is the problem, and that needs to be worked with a therapist and friends to see how she was so poorly guided by her mind and heart.

What exceptionally good examples exist of community processes implemented specifically to bring forgiveness to a group of people?
— Donna, Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: I am sorry, but off the top of my head I can't think of any examples. You question is a little vague. I'm wondering whether you mean one community forgiving another community. Are you talking about ethnic groups or nations?

Have studies shown whether certain religious traditions foster forgiveness more effectively than others? If so, what are the practical steps used and are they transferable to all people and communities?
— Donna, Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: All major religious traditions of the world recommend forgiveness. However, I don't know of any studies comparing one against the other. I think as Americans, we are so used to looking outside ourselves for answers that we want a list of steps — or "Forgiveness For Dummies." The real answer is that you need to go inside yourself and explore why you are hurt or angry, and what is causing you to hang on to it. Cheers.

I've always been one to hold grudges. Over the past year, I have had a falling out with my sister, and just recently my two-year relationship ended, which has left me hurt and angry. I want to be the bigger person both for myself and for others to see, but I just dont know how. My recently ended relationship is still very fresh in my mind, and know it is creating much stress and anger at times. The breakup came from him, but I had to drag his feelings out of him. Though I knew we had issues and even suggested breaking up months before. We still work together which makes things hard. The part I'm really having trouble with is getting past his lack of respect for asking me how I am. He has never tried to reach out to me, and there have been plently of times where he really should have. I am more hurt by his silent treatment than the breakup itself. How can I get past this? I've told him how I feel and he says he's sorry, that it's just too soon to talk or see each other for him. All I wanted was for him to show me he was still human. Everyone, including his own family, says he has a lot of issues he needs to work on and to forget him as he'll just drag me down, but I still feel I deserved a certain amount of respect from someone I shared my life with like that. How can I get past this to avoid thinking about it at work, and in my everyday life? How do you forgive without also forgetting? How do you forgive when there are contant reminders everywhere?
— Name withheld

Rev. Debra Jarvis: There is an idea in Buddhism that suffering arises out of desire. So if you want something and don't have it, you suffer. Either you must get it, or stop wanting it to be happy. You are suffering because: 1. You want your ex to reach out to you. 2. You want respect from him. 3. You are not respecting his need to break contact with you.

On reaching out: perhaps he is not able to do this. There is no law that says he must; that is just your idea. That is your desire, and when you stop wanting him to reach out, you will stop suffering.

On respect from him: I'm not sure exactly what that means for you, but it sounds to me like you want him to ask about you. Give it up! What do you care what he thinks? Can you remember why you broke up with him? If his own family is telling you to forget him, what are you waiting for?! But it is not necessary to forget in order to forgive. Sometimes we need to remember so we learn from the experience. The most constant reminder of hurt is your own brain. Whatever "reminders" you are running into, train your mind to see them as reminders of your own growth. Cheers.

In 1963, I was scammed out of $935. I wanted to kill the man. God helped me realize that the hatred and bitterness was ruining me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was able to forgive and receive forgiveness. My success as a landlord would not have been possible except for the lesson I learned so many years ago.
— Virgil, Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: Virgil, good for you! Since you made that decision, you've had 43 years of being free. Cheers.

Well, if I forgive the past hurts, let them go ... what about the future hurts, still to come? The hurts come from my sister, who channels all her anger towards our alcoholic, abusive mother against me instead (she was never able to come to terms with the real perpetrator while she was alive). I've been the one left to do all the work in caring for our aging parents and have been deeply hurt by my sister's refusal to help and by her verbal attacks against me, up to the point of her disowning me. I can't trust my sister. I can't even answer her phone calls or open her letters, as it's likely to be another angry attack. I gave up on giving her gifts, as they were never acknowledged. If I forgive and go back to giving to her ... I'm just opening myself up to more hurt. Now that I'm the sole caretaker for our father (with Alzheimer's) ... if I forgive her past refusals and ask her for help, she'll attack again. She's cut me and my children out of her life. I feel horrible about that. I also feel horrible that she'll lose out on being connected with Dad, in his last years. Forgiveness would go a long way towards preventing that loss, but I can't take the risk of being smashed down again.
— One Who Aches Every Day

Rev. Debra Jarvis: Your sister has chosen her path; you cannot force her to do something. Yes, she will lose out on being connected to your parents, but that is her choice. Her anger, as you so rightly surmised, is not about you. Stop asking her for help. Don't expect her to connect with you and your family. Yes, this is really sad and you will have to grieve this. But you can be a model for your children of how to accept what is and how to grieve and let go of what is not. You can forgive your sister and feel compassion for her (imagine what a tortured life she must lead!) But it is not necessary for you to "give" to her. I hope at some point you will feel that it is a privilege and an honor to care for your parents, and not that you are the one "left to do it." Be alert to what is in the caregiving for you. There will be gifts and blessings. Otherwise, you will just be a martyr.

When I get angry over a wrong done to me, I can't really think straight. How do I stop myself from acting when I'm angry?
— Alice, Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: The tried-and-true methods are tried-and-true because they really work. When you feel yourself getting angry: 1. Count to ten — perhaps in a foreign language. 2. Take slow, deep breaths. 3. Take a walk. Then, when you feel calm, decide what to do, and — more important — how to be. Cheers.

How can we forgive someone who is still an absolutely despicable person, and how can we forgive someone who let us down and abandoned us as children?
— Jo, Lame Deer, Montana

Dr. Fred Luskin: You are an adult and have had much time to live your life. The question is how well did you accomplish that ... You want to spend your energy evaluating how well you succeeded in that (and if the answer is poor, learn to do better) and let go of blame for what people did to you years ago.

I believe forgiving is healthy, spiritually, mentally and physically. Are there any studies documenting the physical benefits of forgiveness?
— Nathan, Seattle

Dr. Fred Luskin: My Web site www.learningtoforgive.com lists ours, and the Templeton foundation Web site www.templeton.org lists the research results they sponsored. There are a number of studies that show forgiveness to be emotional-health advancing and some that show improvement in physical well being.

How do I get over feeling the need to confront the person who caused the pain and heartache? I feel that this is an important step and holding me back, but I don't have the courage to do it. Also, one person is living and one is dead so, in one case, that's not even possible. And, as far as forgiving yourself, I think that is the hardest thing to do.
— C.H., Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: I'm a big fan of writing a letter and not sending it. I strongly encourage you to do this. Write whatever it is you want to say and then burn the letter. Let your resentment go, just like the smoke disappears from the air. And write yourself a letter about how you love yourself and are forgiving yourself because you want to be free.

In the November 2002 issue of Yoga Journal, Vesela Simic wrote about your 1999 study regarding forgivness. I still have the article and would like you to discuss 1) the nuances that separate forgiveness and reconcilliation and 2) how to manage that within the confines of primary relationships.
— Mitch, Seattle

Dr. Fred Luskin: Reconciliation means re-establishment of a fractured relationship. Forgiveness is a heart/emotional quality that allows one to have a change from negative to positive emotion. You can reconcile without forgiving and forgive without reconciling but generally forgiveness makes reconciliation easier.

How do you forgive? I tried but I failed.
— Chi, Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: How much do you want to let go of the hurt? When you say you failed, do you mean you don't feel differently? Forgiveness can be a stand you take, a decision you make. The feeling will follow.

When circumstances happen in life that wound our spirits, what are the "how to's" in forgiveness that help us to renew our spirits?
— Babs, Friday Harbor

Rev. Debra Jarvis: Everybody has things, activities or rituals in their lives that feed their souls. What is it that feeds your soul? Activities such as gardening, exercise, art, music or poetry are usually renewing and refreshing to your spirit. These are things that allow you to sort of park the critical, judgemental side of your brain and make room for new perspectives and new ways of looking at things. If you are the sort of person who prays or meditates, then do that.

My ex husband says the only way he can forgive me for divorcing him is to leave him any remaining assets, upon my death, and that these would go to charity. It feels like emotional blackmail to me. I have no guilt or shame over the property settlement which he and I negotiated without the help of lawyers. I didn't want a protracted legal battle over money to disturb my peace of mind, so I agreed to a community property settlement without legal help. He is bitter over the settlement which, if we had gone to court, would have tripled the settlement. Is his request valid?
— Carly, Seattle

Dr. Fred Luskin: You are not responsible for your ex's feelings. I would suggest you move on with your life and let him move on with his. The divorce settlement is over and I am sorry he is bitter. Better for him to find someone else and better for you to let his concerns go.

Is forgiveness, in part, acceptance of what's really happened as opposed to what we'd hoped for?
— May, Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: Yes, part of forgiveness is accepting what has happened as opposed to what we expected to happen. Sometimes you have to work through some grief and disappointment in order to forgive someone. We often have expectations that are not met, and the sooner we learn to let go of our disappointment, the happier we'll feel.

I don't know how to forgive or forget, it seems like allowing myself to be taken.
— Kelly, Seattle

Rev. Debra Jarvis: Fred Luskin gave some great tips in Sunday's paper, so do take a look at that here . The first step is being clear that forgiveness is not about condoning or reconciliation. Forgiving is not saying, "What you did/said is OK."

The next step is realizing that forgiveness is really for you, not the other person. You're being taken when you DON'T forgive. The longer you stay angry, the longer they have power over you. I've heard it said that resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You are poisoned by your own anger and resentment. The other person may be walking around happy as a clam and there you are fuming!

Some things are easier to forgive than others, but all forgiveness is about claiming your personal power, taking responsibility for your feelings. Sometimes you can forgive something almost instantly, but other times forgiveness is an ongoing act of letting go.

If you find yourself not wanting to let go or feeling resentful after declaring forgiveness, ask yourself what is in it for you? What are you gaining by being a victim? Attention? Sympathy? Is it that you are unwilling to take some responsibility for the experience?

It is helpful to talk about your experience so that you can clarify your feelings and get feedback from another person. But always examine your intention when sharing -- are you wanting someone to affirm your outrage or offer another perspective? Are you willing to grow from this experience?

It is important to sort through your feelings, but there comes a point when you are no longer processing your emotions, but feeding your anger. And when that happens, it's time to stop talking about it. I recently talked with someone who was kvetching about the sharp way someone spoke to her. She went on and on, tearful and agitated and I finally asked her, "When did this happen?"

She answered, "Last week."

I looked at my watch and said, "You can keep talking about this for one more hour and then you have to stop. Because I can see that you're feeding it." She had a friend with her who said, "Oh, great! I've got a watch and I'll keep track!" (Her friend was pretty sick of the whining.)

This woman said, "But, but it hurt my feelings!" And I looked at my watch and said, "Fifty-nine . . ."

I've struggled to forgive after a difficult end of a friendship. It's difficult when I find myself still feeling angry. How does forgiveness relate to the stages of grief? Can one try to forgive too soon? Does it take, or at least progress through the grief process? Or am I deluding myself?
— Fredrick, Lacey

Dr. Fred Luskin: Forgiveness is the end of the grief process. When things are painful we need to feel that � suffer for the loss and then move on. Can't rush that process .... but also do not want to linger there too long. Generally grief is appropriate for six months to two years in extreme forms. Forgiveness means you have felt the pain of the loss but no longer need to identify yourself as someone who has been hurt by the abandonment. It becomes simply another chapter in your life. Some were good, and some hurt. Just because you forgive does not mean you won't feel pain.

How do you forgive someone when the behavior you try to forgive happens over and over again? In this case, an alcoholic who won't stop drinking and behaves badly when drinking.
— Amy, Seattle

Dr. Fred Luskin: There is an old statement: Fool me once shame on you � fool me twice shame on me. If you allow yourself to be mistreated on a regular basis, the forgiveness is substituting for intelligence and appropriate self care. The forgiveness part is to assert your worth without resentment and bitterness, but please be able to draw appropriate lines in the sand when it comes to drinking or other bad behavior.

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